Dienstag, 29. Dezember 2009
It feels like you've skipped most of your getting to know each other and dived right to the core. Yet sometimes it's nicer not to skip those levels. I'm missing those...
I feel an unbearable need for trivial things. My head is so crowded with important stuff, that it gets harder and harder to focus. I feel like I'm losing part of who I am. Maybe it will be worth the bad feeling in the end. But I actually don't want to wait. I just want it to stop. Need to clear my head.
Am off to London now. Will spend New Years over there and will have an interview for an internship I'd like to do there. We'll see how that one works out. Have fun you guys and a happy new year to you
Sonntag, 6. Dezember 2009
I am _so_ in love with the new 30 Seconds to Mars album, it's riddiculous. After the awesome concert and signing stuff I feel so much closer to that band.
And having new music finally does feel totally awesome. Getting lost all the time and enjoying my self. Don't know what I'd do without music...
Still more than busy these days (and the upcoming weeks as well) uff.. I don't really wanna live these. o.o Strange thing to say, but that's how I feel. Wished it was all over already.
Either way I'm quite sure I won't be able to blog quite a while. Like I haven't until today *ha*
I miss blogging actually. It's always so much fun in a way. But atm I can't.
Go get the album, or ask me go give it to you... you'll love it :)
Freitag, 13. November 2009
Of course I still don't quite believe I can be as exeptional as the people I look up to, but who knows. After all they've been just as normal as I am now. I might be capable of a lot more than I imagine. In the end, there's really nothing I can lose, for I didn't really create anything yet. Consequently I'm free to do whatever I desire. What makes me whole and completes me. What I feel I need to do. It's _my_ priorities, not others'.
Yes, I am quite conform and I was shaped to be like I am now. Yet I have someone else inside me. A would be self... the best even possible. I can feel the struggle one has to get through to follow his dreams. Of course I can see that it's the harder way around. Yet... you always have to think about what it's worth in the end. I am aware of certain things, that's what makes me capable of change. He believes I have tremendous potential, not only in swordfight, but in life. I just have to listen to what my heart tells me instead of listening to my mind. My mind is what keeps me from living my dreams. I've been taught to go the safe places, to use the straight and easy ways to my destination. But again, what do I have to lose? If I fail, it'll only make me stronger, if I succeed, I've proven a point. One way or the other, I have to start to think about what I want to do with my life. Because life is not for waiting for the right moment, it's about living. I realised that.
I think I didn't quite live the life I wanted until now. So this is going to be a great change. I'll probably face a lot of hardships and cry a lot, maybe even scream while cyring, but in the end it'll be more than worth all the pain. Because every pain I hide for now becomes one with my body and it'll show someday. I will be emotionally, physically and psyhically crippled. To become the best possible Vivi, I will have to think about who I really am. What parts of me are what I desire, yet? Is this how I want to be? Or is it just a safe shell I'm hiding in, afraid of whatever might change?
I will kill Vivi... in order to set free my real self. The Vivi _I_ want to be, not the Vivi others want to see.
Long way to go, a lot of new things yet to discover.
And a lot of new inspiration and drive of course. I'll make my life as special and worth living as can be. To wake up every morning and be happy to exist...
Met him again today. Always a pleasure and a great inspiration. He's so easy to talk to, it just comes naturally. There's nothing he has to hide. Of course he has his very own struggles, but his life is what I'd describe as perfect. And he is exeptional... that's for sure.
Dienstag, 10. November 2009
My whole life has been ordinary. I've been raised up like a lot of other children, had a happy childhood and wasn't discriminated against or anything in school. I've always been just the average type of person. Been quite good at learning I guess (whatever you can get from that), but always good, not exeptional. I didn't want my life to be ordinary...
By now I try to convince myself that I started photography, because I've always been afraid of forgetting things. To not be able to remember what I've lived through. Because photography is a way of capturing time and space. Fortunately by now the results don't get lost that fast. Yet I somehow feel I'm just making this up to disguise the true reason for all of this.
I wanted to be exeptional at something. So when I started taking random photographs, had fun doing it and people told me how they liked it, I discovered my chance to do something that obviously not anybody could do. I strived to be exeptional, to find the purpose of my being. Because staying mediocrite definetely wasn't what I expected of life. And I needed a plan, a path I could follow.
Mh... I think by now I kind of know what it's about. And I gathered some more reasons to keep taking photographs. Its something I can please others with and likewise something that I can cherish and aprechiate myself. I'm feeling rewarded and accepted for what I do now and it does feel awesome. :)
Photography has become more than just an occupation or something to find aprechiation through... it's everything :3
--- Had to think about this a while ago and felt like posting
Sonntag, 1. November 2009
Still am a bit sad and don't feel that well... maybe I'm getting sick. Swine flu? Who knows :E
Hope to get a grip on all my uni tasks again for I have been procrastinating way too much lately and things are about to get out of hand @_@ Wahh.... I don't wanna.
Mh other than that... did some new photoshoots recently and am more than thankful that we finally have some new backdrops for the photostudio in our uni. Imagine, a white background that is white after all! Just amazing :P
Oh and I do miss some of my close friends. They've been away for about a month and a new meeting up is not yet settled... I tend to miss people fast... so I'm sad mostly. And homesick >.>
Montag, 12. Oktober 2009
It's a brazilian tradition I got introduced to by a good friend of mine. She spent a year in Brazil and came back with them. It's said that those bracelets (of a very light and thin fabric) have to be knotted three times. And you may wish for something for every knot that is made. You are not allowed to take it off- ever. It will fall off your wrist - or wherever you have it- by itself. And if it finally does, your wishes either are fulfilled already or will be fulfilled very soon.
Well I have to admit I love those kind of things, so of course I did have one of my own. And guess what, it fell off my ankle yesterday :D
So yeah, basicly quite happy there says and my spirits are back.
Also have some new inspiration, especially for the upcoming uni projects like a stop-motion film and another short video. Guess those will be quite good :3
Will tell you about some more important stuff later, promise *grin*
So regards and stuff
Dienstag, 6. Oktober 2009
New semester of uni has just started and I'm sick of it already. Well maybe it's not university but me, who knows. Who cares actually?
Seems I do. And I feel miserable... a lot and can't say why that is. My spirits are gone and likewise my motivation and talents it seems. I really suck. If there's any prize for sucker of the day, it's mine. Most definetely.
Montag, 5. Oktober 2009
1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
3. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Where'd you go
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE PURPOSE?
The heretic anthem
6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT A LOT?
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Tres Tristes Tigres
13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU GROW UP?
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
16. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Borders and Shading
21. SONG THEY WILL PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
LOL... This stuff is amazing!!! A lot of way too cool "aswers"! Thanks Len, you made my day :)
Will comment on this crappy day tomorrow... I think.
Donnerstag, 1. Oktober 2009
Those mesmerizing eyes that mine were glued to. They washed through me, washed away all my worries, my thoughts, my past. All my life in fact. I was nothing, I was everything as long as I stared into them. Everything meant nothing, there was no hurry. It all didn't matter anymore, for a whole world spread out before me. Experiences of a lifetime, a library of his life ready to be explored. I could have shared all he knew, but was given no time. Moments that shouldn't be allowed to end always fade the fastest. They always do...
I wish I could say more, but again I'm out of words. Can't explain, just feel. It's hard sharing feelings, but I think for the first tme now, I could do it I think.
Donnerstag, 24. September 2009
Yet I am incapable of grasping it for I'm not really around myself that much. I just happen to know everything I'm saying and thinking...
Would be nice to have someone sincerely judging me. To define who or what I am more closely. Can't really say that I'm having an identity crisis, just wondering what I am to others. Because all I am is the marks anyone else left on me.
I am what other people made me and try to convince myself that I'm creating my own future. Strange, isn't it?
Montag, 21. September 2009
Had a lot if deadlines, appointments and To-Do's these last weeks and am pretty much exhausted. I love what I'm doing, but right now I'm a bit tired of it. Can't seem to concentrate and my holidays don't really feel like holidays anymore. Unfortunately it feels like I didn't have any... And with university starting again I don't know if I'll be able to handle all my stuff.
I'm even emotionally confused at the moment and a little unable to keep my relationships alive. Just a moment ago a vessel in my eye popped, leaving the most ugly and strange mark... I need sleep.
I've got no clue where to start, what to do, what to think through... I'm just trying to complete the level I guess.
Samstag, 12. September 2009
Yet, there is something all of us need to do and that is to be ourselves. We can't afford to fail here. It does not entirely matter how many times we can't do something, but what's important is, to be ourselves. Truly, purely and honestly.
How can you expect to be loved or treated right when you're not yourself? When you're not showing your true personality. You'll always feel something's missing for you'll never get anything you could. So in the end this is a requirement from ourselves of ourselves. There's nothing more important in this world. Be good or be bad, love or hate, it doesn't matter as long as you truly are yourself. Only then can you grasp what and who you really are.
We all gradually build up our facades, but there is a time to get rid of them. You won't need them andy longer if you want to live life to the fullest. Let go and break free. Show the world your true colors. Of course most people won't see them anyways, for they became unable to feel all this. They are hollow inside, just walking shades of what they used to be. They lost it. Even if they do feel someday, they'd get irritated and probably get afraid for they don't know how it feels anymore. There's nothing that distincts them from all the architecture we created. They are nothing more than walls of concrete and stone... Wrongly cherished "achievements of humanity".
So this may be our crusade now, the one purpose we have to fullfil for now.
The rest will come...
Mittwoch, 2. September 2009
When I felt, it overwhelmed me. My heart accelerating and trying to crush my ribs from the inside, tears flowing without a reason. It did feel strange, but good at the same time. Somehow important. I didn't want it to end but of course it did...
Now I feel unable to recall those feelings. I don't even feel alive without them. How can I know my heart is still beating if it's not smashing against my ribs? What did I hold back that day? I felt something wanted to break free, to crush the shell I surrounded it with. I didn't fully allow it and now it's gone. Feels like I'm missing something... sinking again.
What I'm most afraid of? Forgetting how it felt...
A lot of interesting things happened. Made use of my moleskin a lot lately but am unsure wether to share. It's very personal in the end. At least it helps me to remember- hopefully.
Freitag, 28. August 2009
Today I finally get to drive home and guess what: Forgot my purse and noticed it in the train... So for I'm a good girl I went to the authority telling her about my problem. And you sure can't expect any sympathy from people who don't have a life of their own. No mercy, no understanding, just evil minds... should have asked someone to take me with him/her first.
So now here I sit, having to pay about 70€ instead of the 13 I have to pay usually... just wonderful.
Montag, 17. August 2009
I don't know what exactly IS wrong, but everything just doesn't seem to feel right.
I hate the fact that my greatest days are always darkened by something else... Maybe I'll just have to do things on my own for once, without anyone around me able to destroy it. Probably the right thing to do then. In the end my heart and my soul are my true dictators, huh?
It's way to complicated... and I'm totally losing it. It's like sand in my bare hands.
And I'm a disabled...
Right now I'm rehabilitating I guess. Just need more pleasant events...
Donnerstag, 13. August 2009
Some people live in the present. They are rational and can easily adapt to current situations. They know what to expect and always know what to do for now. Never bored, that's a plus. The question however is what you make out of it. Do you just always try to make the best out of every day that passes? Or do you try to always fullfil the wishes you might have? Not so sure about if this is the right way either... Present can be stressing and confusing. You'll sumetimes get stuck with a situation and can't think of a way to solve it. Minor minus.
And a few people live in the future. I'm part of them. They always think about what could happen and can't manage to aprechiate the present nor the past. They are likely to forget about those pretty quickly and get themselves lost in thoughts about what could happen, where they could be. They don't really get anything done as well. Big minus. They always find new things to consider, new chaces or risks. There's never a day when they don't speculate. It's exhausting. I'd rather be able to cheish what I already have accomplished instead of always having to think about what will be, could be, should be and shouldn't be next. It's way too confusing to keep track on. Think about all the opportunities and paths one could go from now. It's disturbing... ina way.
Discovered this just now, for whatever reason. Thought it was important, however, so here I share it with you. Just thoughts in the end, but to me they are important, as hell to be honest. Every discovery strikes me and makes me able to improve further.
So I just took another step. Hopefully in the right direction. Or well maybe I should hope to have chosen the wrong direction, for it gives me the chance to fail and learn? Not so sure...
Dienstag, 11. August 2009
Of course there's some things I need to take care of, but somehow they don't seem important enough to me just now...
Thought holidays would be great and adventurous but totally failed. The ones I'd love to spent time with are either away theirselves or unable to move due to illnesses. This sucks.
So for now there's really nothing to tell you, nothing to do, no reason to blog...
Yet I feel the need to blog... so here we go. >.>
Montag, 3. August 2009
... Why do we always need to get everyones approval? Why does affirmation feel that ridiculously good? Do humans always need to get praised for doing something right or being good at something? We might know that it doesn't really matter for we know what we've created. But if we aren't "rewarded", we wonder if anyone noticed what we've done. Isn't it strange?
Is this all about society again? I wonder...
I keep thinking a lot and cant seem to get the answers I want. I'm stuck somewhere. Might need a map or some help... ;)
Another thing /at the moment) is that I'm overly fascinated by some people- actually it's two.
Seems like some people are too good to be true. They are sincere and honest and manage to express theirselves at any time. They brighten up your mood by just being theirselves and not thinking about making you happy.
... There's nothing worse than sensing someone's just saying something to appease you. oO
I wonder where they've got all their positivity, optimism and wisdom from. It can't be that easy to gain those. I feel like there's still so much I can learn and so much I need to talk to them about. But these people are rare... too rare for my taste. Of course this makes meeting them even better for their enigmatic aura instantaneously flows over. Yet, t's sad when they're not around...
Gnah... don't know what I'm writing >.>
I'll shut up.
Mittwoch, 22. Juli 2009
Well the model is Joel from ModelMayhem. He stopped by my sedcard and asked if I'd like to do a test-shoot with him while he visits Berlin.
Was nice to work with someone who has a little experience with photoshoots and posing. Think it was the first shooting I didn't have to direct that much. He did most of the job. *haha* And he kept striking different poses all the time. I was impressed. We finished the shoot having about 1.400 photographs and agreed to do another shoot anytime soon.
We focused on fashion and portraits again.
Aaaand K, Lea and me had our hardcore-Evangelion-watching-all-episodes-in-a-row session. It was crazy. We've sat there from about 20:00 in the evening to 6:00 in the morning. It's amazing how hard it gets to concentrate as time passed. And we ate waaaay too much, horrible xD
I was wasted the next day *haha*
I'm glad that uni will be over after next week. It's been one hell of a month.
Will be in Paris for one week in the holidays. Exploring the city a bit more and most of all having a great time. Need to reserve the flight as soon as possible. Waaah can't wait to get there :3
Oh and by the way... whoever finds out why this post is called "Juergen" gets a free cookie :D
Freitag, 10. Juli 2009
Wow, I'm in the best mood possible now. This was by far the best day (well it was more the evening) I had in a while. Pumped up with good spirits again and I'll let my soul shine. (just as I was told to a while ago) :3
Just returned from Kenjutsu training about half an hour ago (by now it's an hour, haha). Yes, I was surprised too, but when you don't have any time limits, you'll keep focused and do everything until the end. It even was one of the best lessons I had so far. Since our master's out of town, there are only a few people coming. So Pab can pass on some little secrets to us. And I was the luckiest today for I got to train with him almost all the time. Even he complained about telling me too much stuff. But it was awesome. I learned soooooo much. And it helped me to improve a huge step. So I was even able to "teach" a student who's just about to get his Hakama. :D *grin*
So just for those who are interested... in a swordfight and in training it's actually not about doing the Katas right. It's about you feeling comfortable and being safe. Even if you do the wrong steps or make mistakes, what's most important is to stay calm and try to improve it. The other Len who's about to do his Hakama Test was kind of sad and anxious today because he didn't feel good doing the test. He thought if he might pass it was just because he's the only student out of the old Dojo left and that he wouldn't deserve to wear a Hakama. But is it really about how long he's been doing it and how well he can do the Katas? Not at all...
His test actually was his training until now. It was about how hard he tried to improve and about if he did it with heart and soul. This was what he needed to understand. Our whole existance is a test. Sometimes for others, sometimes for ourselves. We are forced to take a lot of tests (school for example or abitur and bachelor stuff) but we actually attend them to prove ourselves, don't we? This is something even I didn't realise until tonoght. And it makes me feel really good for I know that I always try the hardest I can. Even if the results are mediocrite... it doesn't entirely matter... it's more important for me not to give up. And it will be aprechiated in the end.
So now I'm just like wow. I'm so confident, nobody could beat me now. It feels wonderful... it's been a while, for sure.
Another thing I learned today is that people whom you can't stand don't have to dislike you automatically. Seems like your work is aprechiated even if you don't want to impress your Profs. Was told today (and only one time before) that my Prof doesn't worry about my projects... he know's it'll be good... And that from a Prof I don't like at all, I'm so lucky.
And it's not over yet. Uploaded my portfolio on some modelling page thingy and got a lot of requests within a few days, which is a great honor for me. And not only bad/ugly models, even some with great potential. Looks like I'll have a lot of shoots wthin the next few months. I can't be any happier. Finally out of my creativity and action crisis ^_____^
Feels good to blog again... or at leat to fnally have something to talk about. Although it's nice reading about your lifes, too. It's just a little depressing to read your interesting blogs and not being able to tell you something interesting in return...
... by the way I need to get my head into learning Japanese again. Sat next to a guy who seemed to learn it in the U-Bahn this evening and wasn't able to read anything exept of "desu". Kind of embarassing actually. Although I have to say there was a lot of Kanji written on his paper. Always nice to read other peoples sheets *haha*
So have a great evening/or day by now as well and let your souls shine.
Sonntag, 28. Juni 2009
Anyways, it was fun and I got some new inspiration (and photographs of course), which is always good. And I learned how to do some nice face postprocessing and retouching. I'm gonna use Bridge from now on ... and RAW o_O"
Theme of the workshop was Vogue Style fahion photography... or something like it.
Some results can be seen here: (PS. Please be gentle, I did this in the middle of the night... don't expect anything over the top. Gonna go over these soon)
Montag, 22. Juni 2009
Kept asking and asking without ever getting any answers. It made him sad too. By now the whole room was filled with sadness and confusion. Was it because of the room? Can rooms evoke such pain? At least it would be an explanation to all the ocurencies of that kind. It's been a lot lately...
And caught within this room of sadness he saw no other way but to escape. He asked me if I wanted him to leave.. of course I didn't. But I didn't want him to stay and ask more questions either. Torn between my feelings I began to cry- again without an explainable reason. It confused him even more. And the both of us saw no way out of this dilemma... We never even solved this problem.
So why does life have to be this complicated? I wished I could stop my head from having any thoughts, even just for a moment. I wished I could be someone else-
Can't anybody please rip my head off!?
Strange thoughts occur to me . . .
Montag, 15. Juni 2009
Had a very nice shoot with Ras today whom I met at Kenjutsu some time ago. He promised to attend training more often but for he works in Africa his time managnement is always in a mess. But today we finally made it and it was a blast. I'm not sure I ever had that much fun during a shoot. We were laughing and giggeling all the time and although he said that he didn't like cameras and standing in front of it he did a great job. Couldn't believe he didn't feel comfortable with himself...
Anyways I think the photos that came out are probably the best ones I ever took. I'm amazed by myself, even if it's not very polite to praise oneself. :3
And Ras is by far the most handsome guy I ever met. Can't wait to shoot him again. He's also doing his own swordfight style and parcours, so I guess we'll be having quite a lot of other opportunities to shoot. :D
Here's some of my favourite photographs:
So what else...
When I was on the train yesterday heading home for Berlin I sat with three weird dressed guys. They looked a little like they were playing rugby or stuff like that. But they kept talking about strange things like chains and only 100 stones per game etc. And I wondered and wondered what they were talking about until some guy passed us and asked them about their crazy sport which turned out to be Jugger. Ever heard of that? If not go google it... sounds very cool. Well we happened to start a conversation that would last until the end of our train ride. ;) And I also found a model for our photography project of this semester. A bald man. He's quite charming as well and I think he'll be a good model. Well, we'll see how this one turnes out I guess.
And now that I spent the whole evening photoshopping I need to do some uni tasks that waited for me way too long and need to be accomplished by tomorrow or at least this week. >.>
So I'll be working now...
Donnerstag, 28. Mai 2009
We complain about people being stressed out and unfriendly, but do we face them with a smile? No, we don't for our environment "suggests" not to be happy. Just look around you whenever you're sitting in the S-Bahn. You'll only see sad, angry or mean looking faces. It makes you sad, or even angry yourself and you'd like to tell all of them that life is about living it to the fullest and that all of their worries are just nonsense compared to their whole existance. That they sould celebrate life and cherish the littlest things whatever they may be. Unless you're happy, what are you living for? What's your drive if not happiness and satisfaction? I'm sure we don't live to be sad and be smart about it. Existance celebrates, so join the party.
There's so much little things to adore, love, cherish and laugh about. Isn't it beautiful how rain hits the floor and creates certain patterns? Isn't it amazing how buds evolve into flowers, how people can show their emotions? How some people keep singing the lyrics of their favourite songs to themselves and drift into their own little world without noticing everyone aroudn them? Isn't it lovely how human beings are able to dream? ...
We should start to live our dreams and finally get active. People need to be made aware of all this. They should understand... they should find the conclusions, eventually.
PS: Did you ever see a melancholic sea? Or a crazy mountain? Or a happy wood? ... Try to notice those things... (Gosh, Chakra is interesting)
Mittwoch, 27. Mai 2009
There are a lot of projects that need my attention simultaneously and I don't quite know where to start. Is it better to do steps little by little on one project at a time? Or to organize even more?
Gah why am I so bad in organizing? ;____; Why the hell?
At the moment I'm trying to find a company for my internship in Japan... difficult, I have to admit. Moreover I'm trying to find a little job in Berlin (conversation's on tomorrow), trying to improve my photography skills, training hard to become a swordsmaster and even more. I'm very confused at the moment, can't focus, can't organize, can't decide. I'll lose my head within this next week. @_@
Moreover nothing really good's happening these days.. I need some positive experiences to push my confidence and happiness. It's about time, really.
So I'll keep waiting until something good happens and then tell you about it... if it matters. Otherwise I'll go on bothering you with nonsense posts. Don't even know why I published this...
But now it's your turn to accept it and deal with it... *harhar*
Keep going you guys >.>
Mittwoch, 20. Mai 2009
* I was allowed to leave uni earlier
* I've got 4 free days ahead
* I actually laughed today
This day is one of my quite moody ones.
And especially in the evening I kept thinking a lot about... stuff.
If you were asked what your happiest moment ever was, what would you answer? Could you even answer right away!? - I can't. And that's what I was thinking about. Of course there are some very nice moments I had, but I can't define one of them as the most happy one. And even now I can't remember... Am I too negative in general? Maybe even pessimistic? Moat people say something like finding love, marriage, having a baby or other stuff, but I think this is not clear enough...
I generally like to stand between the lines... wander beyond light and shadow and here and there touch a spot on either side. It's nice not to be stereotyped as a whole because there are some uncertainties on certain subjects.
Another thing I was wondering about today was if I - or anyone I know- was replacable. If it was that easy to be without certain people... to get used to them not being there. As far as I'm the object of interest I'm not quite sure, but at least for other people I can say that I don't think some of them are replacable. Some people have a special.. let's call it aura to them that makes them unmistakable. And everytime they are not around something's missing, at least for me.
Someone said it's necessary to gather people around you that are good for you- special people I'm glad to be with. And for they are only a few, I keep missing them big time, even if it's just for a day that I can't be around them. Mh.. actually this sounds a bit abusive to me. I need go gather them around me to feel good. I'm inhaling their presence and keep using it for my own benefit... at least kind of. Gnah I'm unable to express myself again. Guess there's just too many things going on in my mind. I'm unable to grasp all of them correctly for they're floating together chaotically.
And I don't like it. I remember once having a conversation on how ones mind looks. While it's a big grey city stored with thoughts to someone, to me it's (like to many other people I guess) a floating and everchanging chaos that can't be controlled. There's no system which I'm able to see and I'm thankful for every thought I can formulate clearly. And there's not too many of them unfortunately. That's probably why almost all my posts are quite chaotic and why I can't seem to stick to just one topic though I wish I could... *gnah*
I guess that's it for now. Have a nice long weekend, you guys.
//PS: I think I sould write a lot more entrys anytime I'm not confused or sad. This whole blog seems so negative and strange... damn oO
Freitag, 15. Mai 2009
Sonntag, 10. Mai 2009
This might sound a little like proclaiming wolrd peace, but I dont mean it in a global way but in details. For I'm a person who likes to get deeper and deeper into things and examine them from the core.
From time to time I get ridiculously fascinated by nature. Doesn't have to be nature as a whole, but like those little particles (of whatever) floating around us that we don't even notice.
Sometimes, when you're sitting in a dark room and rays of light are shining in, you can see thousands of glistening particles floating in midair, or in matter, so to say. I can keep staring at them for hours without getting bored. And it's amazing to me how you can influence the floating matter within a room and practically everywhere. Sounds a little abstract, I'm aware of that, but I think you'll be able to understand. Everything around us consists of matter, even us. And all the air around us equals floating matter. We can't feel it floating, unless there's wind. But with every move we make, we disturb the rhythm of this matter. We can influence the way it floats... Ain't that amazing? xD
I love to fool around with that little particles and to change their direction, or try to catch them. Gosh this has to sound so strange oO But hey, that's me, sorry.
Another thing I love is the seeds of flowers swirling through the air, which is actually the same as these particles. But you can touch and catch them. :3
Don't know why but I just love quiet and simple (but stunning) moments like this...
Mittwoch, 6. Mai 2009
I guess I don't have anything important in my mind for now. Which actually feels kind of nice.
Sometimes it feels like your head was about to explode. To let go of all the thoughts you want to hold on to simultaneously. And although it's important to think about the world it's hard sometimes... and makes you sad. But I'm glad to be aware of certain things.
I'm really into my music again. And rediscovered some great used-to-be-favourites.
Music has always been very important to me... it's like a soundtrack to my life and determines my mood. But I guess that's just normal. As Nietzsche said: "Without music, life would be a failure" :D
Great man... great, great man. *haha* Gotta read more of his books...
As you might know I'm into metal a lot. I don't know what it is about metal that fascinates me so much... Most of the people would define it as noise instead of music. :P But at least for my favourite bands I can say that the lyrics are just awesome. And very philosophic. I can only recommend In Flames. Great band, great sound, great everything ^___^
And as for the old songs, I rediscovered Nobodys Listening by Linkin Park. That track is just soo stylish, although I obviously can't explain why. Damn I've got a problem.
I can't seem to express myself lately... (ha I like the word "lately")
... some songs I can recommend:
Linkin Park - Nobodys listening
Miss Platinum & Peter Fox - Come marry me (haha the chorus is hilarious)
Apocalyptica - Fade to black
Breaking Benjamin - So cold (go listen to that song)
Linkin Park - Pushing me away (Hybrid Theory version)
Dienstag, 28. April 2009
Although we had that stupid scribble class again, which I really can't stand (why am I doing it?- because of the credits >.> and because I don't have anything hard to do there) the day ended up being pretty nice.
Attended some other classes today which I normally wouldn't do. But I had training today and had a lot time on hand and to waste. So why not?
I think I'll try to do those other classes, too. The atmosphere was kinda cool and I've got nothing better to do... oO Someone please give me something useful to do ;___;
Training was hard today... hadn't had it for quite a while and sucked... really sucked. I need more practise... badly. =_= At least my sunshine (Pab) was there again. Training does always have another atmosphere everytime he's there. I know I'm way too focused on certain people but I can't help it. Just need certain people around me to feel good and comfortable around others. Pab's one of those people I can't be without. And for the last month he was missing ;___;
Was amazing having him around again. He promised to attend training more often from now on. He had that plan of decreasing his skills by not training for a while and then improving skills with me again. (Kind of at the same level then) But he realised it would take way too long for him to lose his skills xD So that one didn't work out.
And due to the fact that he's that good, he thinks everyone might hate him, even his own children (who told him so... jokingly). So I was like "Hey, I like you, why don't you adopt me?" xD And there was only one thing that stopped him from agreeing, which was the fact that he doesn't have enough free space for me. *grin* "For a girl needs to have a biiig room with much space, as stated in the principles of samurai."
Gosh he made my day by saying that xD
I told you I'm way too focused on people an that it's easy to make my day *drop*
Sorry for this nonsense and everyday kind of stuff... just needed to tell somebody o.o
Mittwoch, 22. April 2009
I felt the juicy gras beneath my feet, the air between my fingers and smelled the smell of a thousand lives. I could smell buds evolving into the most beautiful flowers and smell the most breathtaking smells. I could even smell the wind racing through the fields and shaking them to twist the seeds. I smelled perfection: It was a wonderful moment. That sort you want to hold on to forever...
... I was in Berlin again. Captivated within the never ending walls of concrete, inhaling the dust of the streets, filling my lungs. I was at the bottom again,
and longed for my precious moment...
Donnerstag, 16. April 2009
By the time we begin to think not only about our own life but about life as a whole and issues like society, purposes and human beings our life begins to crumble.
We die a little every day... piece by piece, thought by thought.
And today a bigger part of me got lost. The phrase "people equal shit" becomes more and more true to me. Don't know if it's because of Berlin and the mass of people you pass day by day. Just a feeling that grows inside me and is stirred up a lot lately. (I guess I've said that quite a few times before)
Where are the good people? And why wouldn't they cross my way to make my day? It's actually not that difficult to brighten up my day... it's simple things you need no special abilities for. But instead, I die.... and die another little bit. Of course it's just minimal, but strong enough for me to feel it. Which is a little weird...
There's this feeling of wasting my time again. Time's running out and I've got nothing productive to do... that's it so far about dieing. >_>
Can't wait for Sunday to come.. gonna celebrate a Cherry Blossom festival kind of thing (dressed up as a Geisha of course) *haha* Will be awesome... and probably really hot =_=
Montag, 6. April 2009
I'd love to blog about something important or at least something that's important to me. But it seems I've lost all my creativity outdoors in the sun... that sucks. On the other hand, not blogging at all sucks, too. ¬_¬” Hopefully I'll come up with something usefull next time... perhaps in a few days or even weeks.
For now I'm enjoying the weather as much as everyone else does. Altough I'm usually not a wanna-be-all-in-the-sunshine person. I guess many things changed this year. Somehow frightening, isn't it? Why would a winter-lover suddenly like the summer!? I can't understand. I'm weird these days :D Just accept that.
And I'm looking for a flat somewhere in Tiergarten or Moabit. Does anyone need a companion in his/her flat? ^^"" Don't wanna live that far away from everybody anymore.
Well guys, look forward to the next (hoping it will be) usefull blog entry xD
Mittwoch, 25. März 2009
Had some really serious discussions with a close friend lately. Well actually I've met that somebody just about two months ago but it seems like we're one and the same. There's so many things we share and yet we're totally different. Somehow amazing. And I feel really close to a foreign person, which is strange and a little frightening... o.o *gets lost in thoughts*
Anyways, I always wanted to find someone to whom I could completely open up to, which I don't usually do. I tend to keep things to myself a lot causing me much trouble and sadness. But you know, I always thought that was just my way of doing it. And again I easily get lost in self pittying which is so embarrassing. Another thing is that I always think of my time as a valuable, yet running out. I envy people who'se years are passing by slowly. Who think they've got enough time on hand. I always think of my days and years on earth as limited, as for my glass, it would be half empty. Which I actually wouldn't define as being pessimistic, it's just that I... I kind of want to be remembered. I want people and most of all myself to be proud of something I produced. I need to find a sense in life, a purpose.
What's a life worth without a purpose. Without a goal to achieve? - Let me tell you, it's absolutely senseless. And I keep feeling senseless until I'll find the one thing I can do... I feel so useless lately.God and I'm drifting again... well don't pay too much attention on this.
I'm sure this is something I'll have to handle myself.
But I'm losing track of what I wanted to say... again. -_-
Actually I don't even remember the purpose of this entry. *damn*
Exept of the fact that people keep pissing me off a lot lately. Ther are so may people who don't deserve to be here (which means living) at all. Yet they're everywhere. What's wrong with the world? I kept asking myself this question a lot, but there's no solution to me. Don't know what happened... and I actully don't care anymore. No need for more headache ¬_¬
People just suck, that's it.
Freitag, 20. März 2009
Yesterday I took a train to Berlin in order not to miss my training and the damn train was 2 hours late. Not the most stupid thing, though...
As my home was within reach, I began searching for my key. Thought no one would leave a key in their house at home... can't be that stupid. And guess what I left back home... yes, the fu***** key >.> So there I stood, cold, thirsty and homeless.
Taking a train back home would have been stupid, I thought. So I thought about where I was going to stay over the night... Under a bridge? In a house for homeless? xD Gosh I was so confused. But first thing I needed to do was finding some place I could stay at for some time. (By the way, I had to miss training, of course, since my outfit was in my room >.>) Fortunately, a sports-colleague had some time for me... I stayed at his place until evening ^^" Poor little friend, he must be so annoyed by me by now. *drop*
Eventually, I was allowed to stay at K's and Leas place for the night, which was awesome xD
Very nice flat, I got freshly cooked food (and it was very tasty *yum*) and they even had a free bed xD I expected to sleep on some floor. *lol*
We even watched some anime movie called "Paprika". And I wouldn't reccommend it to you, unless you're into very strange things. That was probably the most confusing movie I've ever seen. (Exept of some yapanese movies of course) Very colourful and... crazy. xD
But I'm very glad I got another key to my flat today.
Although I had to wake up at 6 in the morning in order to get that damn key -_-
And I'm getting really tired now... probably gonna sleep till 1 or 2 pm...
So good night xD
Freitag, 13. März 2009
I don't even know what to call you. You probably don't even want to know me, but I know everything about you. In fact you're just a selfish bastard who's unable to identify her own self. Sounds harsh, but you should think about it...
There's so many negative things to say about you. I think you may have discovered this by yourself. You are a selfish, envious, untalented, annoying to others, stupid, freaky and to be continued idiot. You see, there's still so many negative things to mention. I don't even know where to start actually...
It's hilaroius how you refer to yourself as an individual. You're just another drop of water within the sea and don't stand out at all. Being special just isn't for you, I think. You're probably just another grey spot in this world, waiting to erase someone elses future by standing in the way. Yes, that's how your future will be. You'll make sure, there's a lot of hurdles in other peoples lives. Isn't this a little dissatisfying? You can surely ruin more peoples lives...
See how worthless your whole existance is?
Strange feeling, isn't it? But I'm sure you won't go and try to make a change. Because you're unable to adapt most of the time. You'll just go ahead and accept your part in this wicked play of your life without questioning. Like you always do. How can someome believe in everything people tell her? That's insane. People talk bullshit all the time. And you... you believe them, because you're unbelievably naiive. Gosh, it's dreadful to even try to explain your existance. There's no sense in it. You shouldn't even be allowed to live...
Still you do... and there's nothing the world can do about it. Not even killing you would be an option, cause there's so many of your kind...
You are the ones who make this world's development stagnate. You're affecting everyone who strives to improve this world. Is this fair?
You should think about it... seriously. Or for the better, stop being!
And be sure there's so much more I'd like to tell you at this point... you're such a disappointment alltogether...
Sincerely, your Reflection...
Donnerstag, 5. März 2009
There were always people around her, yet she was alone. Alone with her mind and all the thoughts swirling around in her head. It felt like there were invisible walls all around her that nobody could break through.
She tried to hide it, of course and succeeded in doing it. It was ok when she had some tasks that needed to be accomplished... assignments waiting to be finished with. It was when there was nothing to do that she was alone again... thoughts rolling in on her and drowning her in endless thoughts. There was no way she could escape them... she was aware of that.
It was time for feeling alone again... and everything faded. Finally alone again, she thought.
And she let herself go... let loose of everything she wanted to hold for it was useless...
All she needed to know was the fact that she was alone... At least one thing she was sure of in a world of uncertainties. This was the information she was able to hold on to. A realisation she would be able to make at any time.
There was so much she had forgotten over the years; her friends, her love, maybe even herself... she couldn't be sure... It was now that she couldn't think anymore. Like her thoughts ricocheted from the walls surrounding her and kept flowing in and out of her head...
There was nothing else to do for now exept of accepting her loneliness. Loneliness was an interesting word to her... she somehow liked the sound of it. Yet she didn't want to be lonely anymore. But what could she do?
Loneliness was her only friend... and distance to everyone the only relation she was able of keeping stable... This was it. She needed to accept it... and a new feeling built up insider her;
Dienstag, 3. März 2009
It's like everytime I have holidays. I'm really looking forward to the holidays and to being at home again... But when I arrive I realise there's nothing practical I can do...
Perhaps I could try to work on my final task in typography but I'm not motivated enough to do that. I wonder when I'll be :P
Don't know why, but I feel kind of useless here...
There's nothing I can do to "improve the world"... *grin* Though nothing I've done before made the world a better place I guess.
Wanna be in Berlin again... there's so many things I miss and I don't want to
Somebody give me a task or at least something to do ^^"
Dienstag, 24. Februar 2009
They say people whose mouth corners point down are sad people...
I kept looking into the mirror today, staring blankly. And the corners of my mouth point down... so down. And the longer I kept staring, the lower they sank.
Am I a sad person?
Actually I never thought about that... I always thought I looked pretty normal and had nothing too bad happening in my past. At least until February of last year...
My grandfather who lives next door had a heartattack and dropped dead at once. Luckily I had just taken my first aid course and had an adrenalin flash. So I ran upstairs, heaved him from the bed onto the ground (with the help of my father and grandma of course) and began to reanimate him. The only sign of live we got from him was a soft grip around my arm... and then he faded again... Fortunately the ambulance arrived just then and managed to get him more or less stable. (Seven times shocked...) Afterwards he lay in a state of artificial coma for about a month and had to go to rehabilitation for about a year...
The doctors said that he wouldn't have made it without our help, which made me very proud of myself. On the other hand it was the most disturbing night I've ever had. And I'd do everything to prevent this from happening again. It was horrible and I can't help myself but cry everytime I remember it, which is quite often these days. But he's back... feels strange to have him around again... and his character changed a lot I think... But the rest of my family doesn't seem to notice it yet...
After he began to go to reha my gandma fell into a deeeeeep deep hole of sadness and kind of lost herself... when she was okay again, my mother broke down and had all the symptoms of a heart attack. Fortunately this had no organic reasons... But she got ill too and had to be in hospital until 2 weeks ago... And about a month ago my grand-granddad died... of a heart attack... >_<
Last year was just horrible... until now, this years has been, too. I wonder if the corners of my mouth sank due to this never ending sadness I encountered and all the difficulties I had...
How fast can the features of your face change?
Am I a sad person? Do I seldomly smile? ... Am I not happy and outgoing and... you know where I'm aiming at...
I don't know. Another mystery I guess
Sonntag, 22. Februar 2009
I'm not sure at the moment.
I all relates to the new sport I do, Kenjutsu. I started way after everyone else, but I'm always motivated to do my best. It's like a drug to me, I just can't get enough. I keep practising all the time and keep going and going. Some people even called me insane for doing that. oO
I'm normally not a sporty person. I didn't even do any sports until now. But Kenjutsu is just perfect for me. It's about techniques and a little competition at times. It's about live or death actually... And it challenges me. Moreover I like handling a sword... or a bokken at the moment.
When I had no training I kept practicing by myself or with someone I met there.
And I feel like I'm some kind of lunatic. I'm going crazy without practising and it frightens me. I know I'm being too ambitious but I can't help it...
And without sounding arrogant (at least I hope so, cause I really don't want to) right now I'm better than some people who have been doing Kenjutsu for a long time.
My aim is to get my hakama (the traditional robe) earlier than usual, which won't be possible I guess. So I just want to be the best. This is my ideal, the thing I strive for, my motivation...
Yet I feel bad about it. Can it be a bad thing to be that ambitious? Does it make me another person? Does it make me sound arrogant at times? Am I a lunatic? I don't know at the moment.
I just want to continue... and I want to be good, really good at it.
That's what I want and I kind of hate it. Feels like I'm being the arrogant bitch everyone will hate someday. The one that everyone dislikes because she's just too focused on fast learning and keeps missing the details and can't stop showing others that she's better than them to some degree. I'm afraid...
Someone, please help me clear my mind... please .. .. ...
I wish it was snowing... *sigh*
Dienstag, 17. Februar 2009
There are so many stupid people around us, making it harder and harder for us to connect to anyone of them. At least that's what I experienced.
I'm generally not a people-hater, but now that I officially live in Berlin, I tend to dislike people around me more and more.
It's not like I don't want to connect, but I just can't go down to all of the peoples levels. That's just not me. I want people around me, who I love to listen to, who have great topics and important issues to talk about, because I'm usually not the one that talks the whole time. Most of the time I kind of am "the audience", which is good both for the one who's speaking and me, because I like to listen. But sometimes it's hard just listening to someone. And the tendency of it is still rising. (Maybe that's just the after effect of yesterdays desaster, dunno)
And I'm very glad I found some people worth listening to. People who don't waste their whole time talking shit but adressing important, philosophic, society based issues. Issues I like to learn about, issues I'm not familiar talking about exept in my own head.
It's kind of a good feeling to know that some people care about the same things your head revolves around. :3 And I'm honestly looking forward to all the conversations we'll hopefully have in the future. Let's keep talking you guys!! *cheer*
So today was... ... interesting xD
Montag, 16. Februar 2009
Here we go again...
Yet another shitty day over.
Today was very unnerving... First I had to take an exam in probably the most strange class I've ever taken. But it went pretty well I have to admit.
Afterwards we had to present our final tasks in art by creating a performance.
And gosh, everyone was so stupid oO
Why would you buy tons of alcohol knowing you can't drink it without going insane? Though I guess I was one of the only ones who didn't like the "wet" atmosphere. Some people are so pissing me off lately, I wished I could tear them to pieces and burn these to the ashes. Oo I know this sounds a little... er... violent, but I just hate people who are all about attention and keep pushing themselves into the centre of attention. Why can't you just hold back for a minute and be quiet to honor everyone elses work!? Why would you walk and jump all over the place all the time shouting, whispering so loud you could hear it to the other end of the room and keep fooling around awkwardly!? Damn I just can't have this...
Moreover most of the performances were frankly speaking shit.
Very good idea to present your pictures in the dark and lightening them with a flashlight from time to time... Or presenting your work in front of a Duschvorhang. Hate, hate hate.
Another fact that pissed me off was that I asked Mr. G if what I did was what he wanted in the beginning of the project and he just told me that he wasn't so sure but that I should keep on going like this. Which I did, knowing he would tell me that my work was crap in the end. Talked to some students about it and everyone kept telling me that I was overrating it and exaggerating it. But you know, I was right... and I knew it!
When I finished he told me that my work wasn't good, but that he especially liked my performance (which actually was harsh criticism) and gave me the better note...
How stupid is that!? Why can't he just tell me I was going the wrong path when I was still beginning and planning!? He also did this for the others... -_-
Ok, had to get rid of this... sorry.
Well L, I think it was a good decosion to just not be there at all. You didn't miss anything.
And I especially liked the way you presented your work... Nice.
On the other hand however I had a poetry flash today, due to the fact that I was fascinated by the snow falling... I love snow. Should be snowing all year *-*
So here's my minimalistic little (kind of) poem.
Hörtst du, wie der Schnee fällt?
Leise ... leise
... so leise.
Und sanft wie eine Berührung des Windes
wird er schließlich eins mit dir.
Reinigt deine Seele,
leert deinen Kopf.
Und du spürst, wie all die Hitze in dir,
all der Zorn geheilt wird.
Ich könnte hier ewig verweilen
und dir zusehen... leise, ganz leise.
Du bist unaufdringlich..., wunderschön.
Ich möchte das er nie verfliegt,
dieser wunderschöne Augenblick.
Wir teilen ihn, nur du und ich.
Und beim nächsten Wimpernschlag,
bist du schon wieder verschwunden...
Eins mit mir.
Und ich bin geheilt...
leise, ganz leise....
Thanks fot the attention...
I think I just fell in love again... with snow.
Feels so much better after a bath in the soft snowflakes.
Mittwoch, 4. Februar 2009
These days an hour passes like a whole week. Sickens me not to be able to do anything useful.
Can't go on with my semester projects, for my musician is busy, teachers don't seem to be able to fill out a 10-questions questionnaire, my photos suck lately... and so on.
What the heck is wrong with me? The only thing that makes me feel good is doing sport... feels good to just let go and drift into another reality. A reality without university, stress, lost usb-sticks your processing semester project happens to be on, losing track of what you still have got to do.... blah blah.
Moreover people are much more relaxed there... feels good to be amongst them.
Today, one of my lecturers introduced us to the darkroom techniques. And exept of the fact that I don't quite catched everything he said about all the chemicals and processes you've got to do it was very interesting. And for the first time it seemed like he was really into what he was telling us and had muuuch time on hand. (Just seemed to be that way of course) Well I had fun :D
He's still one of my favourite teachers, though.
Maybe due to the fact that he always has some time for me if I'm having any problems. ^^
Feels good to get some positive feedback at least on SOMETHING...
Yesterday I realised that I have lost my USB- Stick last friday and was near breakdown. I had a lot of my semester projects in there. Fortunately there still are some honest people in this world and somebody gave it to the front-counter lady. ^^" Gheez...
And now... I don't know what to do
Sadness overwhelms me once again and leaves me drowning in the circles of my own mind...
PS: shitty "feeling" phrase oO
Should try to avoid this one next time. Sounds like I have a very limited vocabulary -_-
Donnerstag, 29. Januar 2009
This is my first ever blog and blog entry. So please keep this in mind while reading my crap, ok!? Oo
Where to start...
I'm really kind of stressed out these days... probably because of all the different tasks I'll have to accomplish all at a time. Although I'm not really lazy I've still got sooo much to do. Let's call it a work-overload. Stupid uni is already exhaustig me... and I just started.
Can't believe we already had a semester at university. Tempus fugit.
And well... Lately I get frustrated a lot.
Not by specific things, but in general. Because I'm bored or can't seem to take a good picture lately, because I still haven't accomplished all my tasks, feel lonely... etc etc. many reasons.
Also I hate my domitory. It's not like I haven't tried to decorate it and make it a little comfy for me, but it's very lonely and at the end of the world. (takes me about a quarter of an hour to get to university) And people in here are rather cold and keep by themselves... strange.
I keep staring into thin air thinking, but actually having no clear thought... are you familiar with that situation?
Feels strange to be asked about what you're thinking all the time and all you can say is "well nothing actually." -_- Strangest thing about it is that I somehow feel guilty for it. Seems like I'm having bad thoughts and just don't want to tell anyone, which is of course stupid. But that's what I am... stupid. Naive and kind of stupid at times.
Enough for now. I'll annoy you with my thoughts again later on. xD