Sonntag, 22. Februar 2009


Are perfectionism and ambition bad things when lived at the same time?
I'm not sure at the moment.

I all relates to the new sport I do, Kenjutsu. I started way after everyone else, but I'm always motivated to do my best. It's like a drug to me, I just can't get enough. I keep practising all the time and keep going and going. Some people even called me insane for doing that. oO

I'm normally not a sporty person. I didn't even do any sports until now. But Kenjutsu is just perfect for me. It's about techniques and a little competition at times. It's about live or death actually... And it challenges me. Moreover I like handling a sword... or a bokken at the moment.
When I had no training I kept practicing by myself or with someone I met there.
And I feel like I'm some kind of lunatic. I'm going crazy without practising and it frightens me. I know I'm being too ambitious but I can't help it...

And without sounding arrogant (at least I hope so, cause I really don't want to) right now I'm better than some people who have been doing Kenjutsu for a long time.
My aim is to get my hakama (the traditional robe) earlier than usual, which won't be possible I guess. So I just want to be the best. This is my ideal, the thing I strive for, my motivation...

Yet I feel bad about it. Can it be a bad thing to be that ambitious? Does it make me another person? Does it make me sound arrogant at times? Am I a lunatic? I don't know at the moment.
I just want to continue... and I want to be good, really good at it.

That's what I want and I kind of hate it. Feels like I'm being the arrogant bitch everyone will hate someday. The one that everyone dislikes because she's just too focused on fast learning and keeps missing the details and can't stop showing others that she's better than them to some degree. I'm afraid...

Someone, please help me clear my mind... please .. .. ...
I wish it was snowing... *sigh*


  1. why are you excusing your ambition towards the training? isn't it a good thing for you? it doesn't make you another person, it reveals you REAL person. You found a medium in which you can develop yourself and fell content. again, what is so bad about that? May be you think you don't recognize yourself in it again. are you feeling strange about yourself? hm, you feel you're lunatic. there is no reason.
    rather be happy to found this sport.
    in my opinion your behavior is not arrogant.
    you're starting this sport and being ambitious. and if you feel arrogant: a little bit of arrogance is no bad thing, I learned once upon a time :D it gives you this kind of ambition and the wish to be perfect.
    I suppose you are not recognizing yourself because this kind of motivation never happened to you?
    if you're becoming arrogant in the end, you're allowed to be arrogant if you really rule above your territory.

  2. It's my overflowing ambition that scares me.
    The fact that I keep training and training like a lunatic and plan to be better than everyone else. And of xourse the fact that everyone knows about it, for I'm a little smart about it. (I keep telling the second best of us that I'll eventually be his master and am going to beat him etc etc.) This is - as you may have imagined- just a joke, but there's quite some triuth in it ^^"
    And I really don't wanna be arrogant... >.>
    Being arrogant feels so bad...

    But you're right though... I've never been that motivated before. Perhaps it's just because of that...