Freitag, 13. November 2009


I have to trust myself more.
Of course I still don't quite believe I can be as exeptional as the people I look up to, but who knows. After all they've been just as normal as I am now. I might be capable of a lot more than I imagine. In the end, there's really nothing I can lose, for I didn't really create anything yet. Consequently I'm free to do whatever I desire. What makes me whole and completes me. What I feel I need to do. It's _my_ priorities, not others'.
Yes, I am quite conform and I was shaped to be like I am now. Yet I have someone else inside me. A would be self... the best even possible. I can feel the struggle one has to get through to follow his dreams. Of course I can see that it's the harder way around. Yet... you always have to think about what it's worth in the end. I am aware of certain things, that's what makes me capable of change. He believes I have tremendous potential, not only in swordfight, but in life. I just have to listen to what my heart tells me instead of listening to my mind. My mind is what keeps me from living my dreams. I've been taught to go the safe places, to use the straight and easy ways to my destination. But again, what do I have to lose? If I fail, it'll only make me stronger, if I succeed, I've proven a point. One way or the other, I have to start to think about what I want to do with my life. Because life is not for waiting for the right moment, it's about living. I realised that.
I think I didn't quite live the life I wanted until now. So this is going to be a great change. I'll probably face a lot of hardships and cry a lot, maybe even scream while cyring, but in the end it'll be more than worth all the pain. Because every pain I hide for now becomes one with my body and it'll show someday. I will be emotionally, physically and psyhically crippled. To become the best possible Vivi, I will have to think about who I really am. What parts of me are what I desire, yet? Is this how I want to be? Or is it just a safe shell I'm hiding in, afraid of whatever might change?
I will kill Vivi... in order to set free my real self. The Vivi _I_ want to be, not the Vivi others want to see.

Long way to go, a lot of new things yet to discover.
And a lot of new inspiration and drive of course. I'll make my life as special and worth living as can be. To wake up every morning and be happy to exist...
Met him again today. Always a pleasure and a great inspiration. He's so easy to talk to, it just comes naturally. There's nothing he has to hide. Of course he has his very own struggles, but his life is what I'd describe as perfect. And he is exeptional... that's for sure.

Dienstag, 10. November 2009


The reason why I startet with photography.

My whole life has been ordinary. I've been raised up like a lot of other children, had a happy childhood and wasn't discriminated against or anything in school. I've always been just the average type of person. Been quite good at learning I guess (whatever you can get from that), but always good, not exeptional. I didn't want my life to be ordinary...
By now I try to convince myself that I started photography, because I've always been afraid of forgetting things. To not be able to remember what I've lived through. Because photography is a way of capturing time and space. Fortunately by now the results don't get lost that fast. Yet I somehow feel I'm just making this up to disguise the true reason for all of this.
I wanted to be exeptional at something. So when I started taking random photographs, had fun doing it and people told me how they liked it, I discovered my chance to do something that obviously not anybody could do. I strived to be exeptional, to find the purpose of my being. Because staying mediocrite definetely wasn't what I expected of life. And I needed a plan, a path I could follow.

Mh... I think by now I kind of know what it's about. And I gathered some more reasons to keep taking photographs. Its something I can please others with and likewise something that I can cherish and aprechiate myself. I'm feeling rewarded and accepted for what I do now and it does feel awesome. :)
Photography has become more than just an occupation or something to find aprechiation through... it's everything :3

--- Had to think about this a while ago and felt like posting

Sonntag, 1. November 2009


Well you guys... didn't post anything for quite a while now and to be honest, I still don't really have that much to say. Had a lot of things planned but none of them would come true, so mäh...
Still am a bit sad and don't feel that well... maybe I'm getting sick. Swine flu? Who knows :E

Hope to get a grip on all my uni tasks again for I have been procrastinating way too much lately and things are about to get out of hand @_@ Wahh.... I don't wanna.

Mh other than that... did some new photoshoots recently and am more than thankful that we finally have some new backdrops for the photostudio in our uni. Imagine, a white background that is white after all! Just amazing :P

Oh and I do miss some of my close friends. They've been away for about a month and a new meeting up is not yet settled... I tend to miss people fast... so I'm sad mostly. And homesick >.>