Inspiration

I'd like to dedicate this post to a photographer that greatly inspires me;

JINGNA ZHANG

It's kind of hard to explain what exactely it is that fascinates me that much about her work, but I'll gladly try.
There is such a subtile beauty to all of her photos that I can't resist. Somehow they seem magical, unreal. On the first look her photos seem to be so easy and natural, but if you look at them closer there's so much emotion and depth to them that you can easily get lost.

I love the way she portraits people, how she manages to capture the essence of a person in just one look. And without doing too less or too much. It just seems natural.
I love the way she uses fabrics and materials and integrates them in her photos. The floating, silky fabrics or the deep black water.
I love the specific colours thet can be found in almost all of her photos. The fairytale-like paleness of her models.
I love the models she works with. They are stunning and of a beauty I have seldomly witnessed.

I am very thankful to be allowed to share the moments she captures. And only by seeing her images I feel greatly inspired to truly grasp the beauty of life around me. And to be able to capture moments like this by myself someday...

We can only then be successful if we clearly know what we're looking for. If we are aware of the things that remain unseen by others. And I think Jingna has found it and made it her gift to us...


And here's some of my favourites of her work:

Happiness

I haven't been myself these last months. I always felt like being at the brink of losing myself completely. An unbelievable sadness has overwhelmed me and until now I wasn't able to grasp why...

I think I've made a mistake about a year ago. Back then my decision was right but by now it has proven to be terribly wrong. I have been searching for a year now. earching almost exactely for what I have abandoned back then. Am currently trying to fix it somehow and am curious for the results of this.

Will let you know.

You

You are a strange creature.
Walking the earth like you were of the usual kind. Mingling with the big great mass trying not to stand out. Yet we both know you're different. There's something about you that I cannot resist. You're my gravity, my inspiration, my... lost treasure. The safety I needed to grow.
I lost track of where your path led you. Forgot how to recognize you - grew ignorant of your appeal.
Where are you? How can I find you again? When will I stop being lonely?
We always wish for what we've lost. For what we've left behind and what we can't own.
I wish to find you again. And some time I will.

... for all prayers are heard...

♥

Lapse

Weeks go by in a blur.
Strange, because every single day feels like an eternity... over and over again. I definetely feel that I'm missing something important. Yet I can't name it. An invisible pain that restricts me in every possible way. I feel it. Too strong, too prominent. But this doesn't change anything unfortunately. What am I to change if I don't know what to look for, what to hope for, what to long for?




Does it make sense to seek the unseekable?

the travel bug

Japan has definetely infected me. Since I've been there I can hardly think of any other country I want to see. The only thing on my mind is: I need to go back there! Need to smell the japanese air again, reunite with the wonderful people I met there, go out and eat, sing Karaoke... so many things...
It's gotten worse and worse with time passing by and especially when more and more people confirm the fact that they are going there! By now my subconscious mind is almost tortouring me with thoughts and even dreams about Japan. This whole night I dreamt how I was packing my suitcases for the journey. Sorting things out, organising everything, talking about what I needed to pack and think of. In the middle of the dream I realised that I only had a flight ticket to Tokio but not back...

And when I woke up I felt... exhausted. All that work for nothing... just a dream.
So today, I looked for flights directed to Tokio. I even found a few good ones. Mostly more expensive than the one I took last time but then I found a cheaper one...
Was almost about to book it right at the moment but didn't dare to. A good decision I'm sure now. Would have flown with Turkish Airlines (wasn't that the line that had so many plane crashes last year?) and would have had to stay at the airport of Istanbul for no less than 20 hours on both flights!!! o.O Now that's sick... The onl advantage with Turkish Airlines was that I could take up to 30kg with me *hahahar*
Had a little chat with my mum who was just worried about where I would stay.

That's fixed now. Can go back to the family that adopted me last time, they'd be happy to have me back. And I'm even happier that they'll let me stay with them again :D
So all I need to do now is: find the perfect flight and then save as much money as I can... because at the moment I can onl pay the flights and half of what I need to give the family :P
And I'm gonna take back SO much stuff :D Even more than last time I guess. And I know exactely where I want to go *lavishes over all the possibilities*

God I'm so happy...
will keep you updated <3

Musica

Because I saw it on L's Blog and it's so much fun to do ^^
>>>>>>>>>>


1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?

until the end
2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
feeling sorry
3. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?

drachentöter
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

unchain my heart
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE PURPOSE?

the world
6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?

must get out
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

fuck the system
8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?

diamond on a landmine
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT A LOT?

psycho
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?

lovely
12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

dawn of a new day
13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?

stadtaffe
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU GROW UP?
savior
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

god put a smile upon your face
16. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

klodsmajor
17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

black and white
18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?

hors la vie (no life)
19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?

ignorance
20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

last living souls
21. SONG THEY WILL PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
not fair

.... <3

No more goodbyes

Why are goodbyes so hard to endure?
It's so much like losing a part of oneself... and it's sad even if it happens for the most wonderful reasons. Two very good friends of mine who I haven't gotten the chance to meet as regularly as I would have liked to will now be moving to the Canary Islands. When I first came to Berlin they were my safe haven, so to say. I needed them badly and I got used to having them around. The best friends I ever had. They got quite busy with work so we couldn't maintain regular contact. I got used to being on my own again but still... they are pretty darn important to me. Some of the best and deepest conversations and thought I had, I had them when I was with them. Have gotten to know myself a lot better as well...
Have met them just today and we talked like in good old times. They're so easy to talk to... and I realised once more that I won't see them for at least half a year from now on, which is damn sad. They'll take a big part of me with them. And that part I'm gonna miss... It's for the right reasons still. They overworked themselves and weren't quite as happy here. They're just not made for living in cities. Fortunately they now found the perfect place for them to stay. And they will find peace in the end, that I'm sure of. They needed time for themselves badly and I'm glad they can take it now, finally. It was definetely the right decision for them to leave. Still... it makes me sad having to let them go. .___.

I've had too many goodbyes these days... I feel torn.

system override

Gheez, these past few weeks have been.. too much.
But in a good way.
I can't quite get it all together at the moment because too many things happened simultaneously. But let's make it a chronological report. Or something alike *haha*

About two weeks ago I got the chance to meet two wonderful new people whom I am missing just now. Spo0ky and Sheena. Haven't met awesome people like them for a while now. We had _so_ much fun together and I enjoyed every minute of it. And discovered that Spooky is almost my neighbor xD Just too bad they'll be moving to Munich... so far away, damn. And Berlin feels strange without them here I have to admit. Well Spooky is still here of course but it's not long until he'll be gone as well... Guess I've got to go to Munich then anytime soon to visit them. Plans ahead *hahar* Oh and guess what... I now own a tactical vest and a paintball grenade. OMG Spooky-chan thanks soooo much again. You have no idea how cool those items are for me. And how mucht they serve my hunger for military stuff. :E Will see if I can wear them out at last :3
True epicness can be only be found when we three are together... DESU~
Have also made quite a good connection to a friend that I've known for years but never really gotten to know it seems. By now we're on the phone so often, you might think we were a couple xD It's just so much fun chatting with him. And he's one of the few people that I don't hate being on the phone with. Those who know me better are aware that I hate being on the telephone. But with him it's different. Guess it's because we share a lot of interests and there's no expectation behind that call. It doesn't really serve a purpose which makes it a casual conversation. Love that. And since I finally got a new steam account, we can rule the others together :D Arr haven't been playing any cool online games for years now. So it's not a surprise that I'm now all in for round after round. Only negative side to this is that it does steal quite a lot of time and ruins my sleeping-habits. But I couldn't care less ^^

Mh what else... will be going to Cologne for this years GamesCom and am so looking forward to it. I won two day tickets *damn I'm lucky* and can stay at an old friends place. So I do save quite a lot of money. Thank god. And staying at Flos place should be fun as well. He'll have several people over for Games Com so there's gonna be a big party for sure. And since we haven't seen each other since New Years Eve about three years ago we'll sure have a lot to talk about. Arrr there's nothing better than meeting old friends.
And I did meet old friends just two weeks ago. Decided to come home over the weekend (i know that's rather usual) and found out that a few old school friends wanted to go to the cinema. I wanted to go out anyway so I joined in. We watched Inception which - as I basicly published everywhere- is one of the most aewsome movies I have seen for a while. It's not only the complexity of the story and storytelling but the main idea behind this film and the awesome sets and 3D rederings that make this film worth seeing. I loved every minute of it. And not only was the movie great, my company was as well. One of my best freind from school brought a good friend of his, who was.... veeery nice :3 Let's just say I finally found somebody that suits me and cares for me in a way that feels more than great. And I haven't felt this good for a while now. Almost like a teenager... I could sing and dance around all day and keep smiling without a reason. I somehow get the feeling that the sun's shining out of my ass these days. It's just _too_ good... I could eat the whole world. <3
Aww there's so much more to say but I guess I'm gonna leave it for now and write again soon.
This is too much already *kchihi*

So to sum it up... no one can get me down these days. Not even Sounddesign *haha*
Epic win I'd dare say.




// Edit: Some epicness I'm hopefully allowed to share here =^__^=

About luck and when it is unnecessary

Silence for what seems to have been forever again. But I have some things to share now. Progress finally :D

So well, where to start...?
University is getting better and better again. Probably because we finished a few classes by now. This semester has been... quite hard so far, actually oO. Mainly because I lacked interest in a few classes and because I had too many out-of-uni projects. Finsihed my photography-seminar with photographer Felix Rachor, had to organize my biggest shooting yet (and all by myself) and learned a lot. I'm about to full update my portfolio within a month or so and can't wait to do it.
I feel like I've grown up quite a lot within these last 4 or 5 months. So many changes, so many chances... and I was able to take most of them.
I can't really express the enthousiasm I feel right now, but I realised that I have done so many things other people don't have a chance to do their whole lives. I am finally starting to live my dreams and to do what makes me happy. I have met the most awesome people, did some of my coolest projects so far, visited countries I would have never dreamed of ever being to... And talking to other people the thought of me having been really lucky so far has just been confirmed. And I can't wait for what's going to happen next. The next years in front of me will be SO much fun :D

So well, my internship was confirmed finally so I will be working for a fashion photographer by September. He said it was going to be hell, but I think it's gonna be a great experience. Maybe the greatest so far concerning photography :3 And since I heard that so many people don't have a clue of what they will be doing next semester, I'm even more proud of myself. And it was the first application I sent :P Got my answer within two hours and now here I am... think I've done some things right in the end :3

Also, I have been lucky yesterday xD Well since I'm only lucky when it's not important, I won 4 tickets for a sold out concert of the famous german violinist David Garrett out of a sudden. Didn't expect this at all and was quite confused when the message showed up on my screen saying: Congratulations, you won! I was like... is this a fucking joke? But it turned out to be true and I had the best Tuesday afternoon... so far I think. The concert was just amazing... I mean everything about it. We didn't have to wait in the queue because we had premium tickets, we sat in row 13 which is damn close to the stage and had a wonderful view. We even got tickets for the aftershow party which is just... unbelievable. I am so thankfiul for this evening :D
It's making me very happy.

And that's what it's all about in the end, right? Being happy!
So Cheerio folks, I'll be back :D

About Japan

Well it has sure been a while since I came back from Japan, but still I feel like I could share a few things.

This trip has by far been the best I've ever done. It feels important, mainly because I had so much time to think and to see things clearly. I made some very important decisions that I am very proud of. I'm usually not a fan of tough decisions but still, I did it. And I've seen so many beautiful things and spiritual places... I think Japan might have changed me quite a bit.
I am more sure about who I am and where I want to go now. I know what to do.
I actually feel very confident with myself at the moment. I am quite stressed and confused at the moment, that I'll admit, but still, I grew. I am an adult now and don't regret it.
Until now I have been pursuing lots of goals and was able to achieve almost every of them. And I didn't only have luck. It's all about how you feel about things and how much effort you put into this. Just saying things wouldn't be fair doesn't help anything. Many people don't seem to see the world that clearly. They just go with the flow without thinking anything. What seperates them from buildings, bridges and other stuff? Who are they if they don't think?
... does this post make any sense? oO

Ah I don't care...

Worlds

I'm leaving my whole world behind...
I leave the zone I learned to feel comfortable in, leave everything I know. Feels like I'm ending a huge chapter of my life, just to open up another one. But this one is written, nothing's gonna be the same. What a weird feeling. Somehow I wished this whole trip wouldn't feel that important. I wished it was just another trip, yet it isn't... this is something completely different.
Almost nothing's gonna be the same when I return. I don't know if I ever get to come back... I don't know if I want to, yet. I'm torn again.
Had to make some tough desicions before coming here and while I've been here. This was mostly about following my head or my heart. Probably the toughest decision yet because tthere were so many strings attached to either decision. Had to let go of all of that to finally hear the little voice within me. Tune out all the crap inside my head. And in the end I let my heart decide. Feel I made the right decision for once and feel kind of relieved. On the other hand having made that decision left me disappointed and sad. But I guess that's still better than becoming a sad person from making a wrong decision in a heartbeat. Life's for living, that's for sure. Just wished it wouldn't be that difficult. I feel like I'm missing out on something. Something important. That's how it always feels. And I hate it.
Just turned twentyone and I feel older than ever... not physically, but mentally. Like something's still not right. I always feel like I'm not doing the right things... Like there's something waiting for me that's gonna make me feel better. Or even older. My head is crumpling to pieces. It's gotten too heavy, too filled up with stuff. Don't know how to get it out. Maybe it's just one more decision I have to make. And I can't even figure out what I have to decide on. How pathetic. This thought is driving me nuts. Maybe I'm just tiring myself out by this, but everything just feels so wrong... >_< Someone tell me what's wrong with me, please!

I wonder how my life would be if someone else wrote the chapters for me... would it be the same? Would I feel better? ... Like I would know -_-
I'm tired.

For stresses sake

I am back I dare to say.

I got quite a lot if things done last week. Of course it's still way too much stuff left, but it's a progress at least. And this is finally gonna be the last week of University, so yay.

Am really looking forward to my holidays and especially to my trip to Japan. It's gonna be just awesome!

Did meet up with a very good friend of mine on Sunday whom I haven't seen for ages it seems. You can't imagien how very good it felt to be with him again... talking, laughing... basicly just spending time together. Ah, that made up for quite a lot :D Feels like a great relief and I do hope that we can manage to establish a regular contact *haha* although that sounds a bit weird.

Uhm well yeah... think I could update my schedule for now:

Art Direction: -done

Rethoric: -done

Marketing: -done

Short Film: -done

Storyboard: -done

Illustrations: still 33%

Seminar Photos: around 20%

Editorial rose to about 20% as well

and I dhaven't yet started to write my "Hausarbeit" of course xD

Yet I feel a lot mor comfortable now. Looks much better *haha*

Okay, so here's one of my favourite photos of the winter shoot outside.

So maria was amazing like always. She's such a nice girl. I really love working with her. No complaining about the cold (she even said she didn't care if she'd catch a cold or get a temperature) God, like that's what I'm looking for! :D

Like said, she's just awesome. So I had craftet around 150 paper ships of different sizes (some from Linde, one from Lea as well) sewn that damn dress (and that took ages... and almost all my nerves) gotten dry ice (which didn't work properly) gotten all the equipment like flashes and props. That was torturous as well of course.

But the good thing is, that I found a nice little crew who helped me. So I'd like to say thanks again to Jasmin (MUA), Gerline (assist.), Kai (techn. support), Inka (assist.) and Julius (driver). Withou you I wouldn't have made it ^^

Oh and of course it was pretty damn cold... and we had people watching us and commenting on what we'd do. (and laughing at us... why the hell!?) It was quite funn though. I enjoyed it as much as I could when I wasn't desperate to find a solution to one more occuring problem. *tehihi*

Still, it worked out. And I think the image came out quite well :3 So enjoy.

...

0009

Finally back home... wow, this has been quite a long day.
Uni has been torturous... but hey, I have survived. Think exept of Editorial I've been quite productive today. Have thought a lot of things through at least.

The next weeks are gonna be more than stressful. Have a bunch of projects I need to work on and my personal stuff adds to it as well -_- Goddamn. Where's my time gone.
Have seen the progress stats in Leas blog and basicly just wanted to copy it :P
Motivation purposes I guess. Although I'm not that advanced... shit.

Rethoric: 95%
Short Film: 70%
Art Direction Portrait: 45%
Illustrations: 33%
Marketing: 25%
Seminar/Exhibition Photos: 15%
Storyboard: 12%
Personal Sideprojects (Retouching): 10%
Editorial: 3% -__-
Personal Stuff: 1%
"Hausarbeit": 0%

Uff... so much yet to do. I'm gonna pass out or suck :P But we'll see... I have around three or four weeks left oO *yay*
The thing is that I'm used to having small goals only and a riddiculous amount of time to finish it. Have to adapt to huge projects like the one I have to handle/organize now. But I think I'll grow a lot by trying to finish all of them about the same time :3

Cheers and good night.
Will leave for home in about 6 hours. Yay!!! And I'm gonna sew a huge dress :P

Aftermath

Well yes, a new year has begun.
Still haven't quite digested the last one I think. Time went by all to quickly and the feeling of missing some things grows stonger ans stronger.

Still, London was a blast. Exept of the 17 hour drive there and the 20 hour drive back, which was more then torturous...
Have been able to see a lot more of London than the last time I was there, which has only been for a day. Did revisit a lot of the places I've been to and even found the one japanese restorant I went to three years ago. Almost thught we'd never find it, because Chinatown is _so_ crowded woth these *haha* Well the purpose of my going to London actually was to get my precious memories back... for I lost almost all of the photos I took three years ago. Am so glad to have them back, you can't imagine... May seem a pathetic thing to do, but I needed this.
Yet now I feel more exhausted than ever. Can't even think of next week when uni will start again and we'll come to the final phase of this semester. So much work ahead and so little yet prepared. Should have made time management one of my priorities this year. *haha*

Mh well what else... already have everything I own stuffed into various boxes, which means the room I'm gonna live in for the final week of being in this dormitory is.. empty. Nothing personal, nothing at all actually, exept of the few things I'll need every day. Feels very strange sitting here. Like this wasn't my apartment... like no one ever lived here. Strange, again.

Am going to try to catch up with speel the last days and will see what mysteries the new year holds for me. Maybe I'll finally have some more time to do the things I want to, need to do.