Donnerstag, 24. September 2009


Who am I? A cross-wearing (but non-religious) swordsmanship-training and photo-taking girl with (occasionally) purple hair... But does this count as an identity? What else is there to me than the things I do or the way I look? There definetely has to be something more.
Yet I am incapable of grasping it for I'm not really around myself that much. I just happen to know everything I'm saying and thinking...
Would be nice to have someone sincerely judging me. To define who or what I am more closely. Can't really say that I'm having an identity crisis, just wondering what I am to others. Because all I am is the marks anyone else left on me.
I am what other people made me and try to convince myself that I'm creating my own future. Strange, isn't it?

Montag, 21. September 2009


Well, a lot of things keep happening, both positive and negative. Don't quite know what to think about this, it's just happening. Moreover I have a lot of new changes, chances, opportunities and obstacles in front of me. Don't know how everything will turn out but am unable to think about all this. It's just too much for my brain to handle at the moment.
Had a lot if deadlines, appointments and To-Do's these last weeks and am pretty much exhausted. I love what I'm doing, but right now I'm a bit tired of it. Can't seem to concentrate and my holidays don't really feel like holidays anymore. Unfortunately it feels like I didn't have any... And with university starting again I don't know if I'll be able to handle all my stuff.
I'm even emotionally confused at the moment and a little unable to keep my relationships alive. Just a moment ago a vessel in my eye popped, leaving the most ugly and strange mark... I need sleep.

I've got no clue where to start, what to do, what to think through... I'm just trying to complete the level I guess.

Samstag, 12. September 2009


Everyone makes mistakes. A lot to be honest. Seems like we humans need failure to improve. The good thing about it is that there's almost always a second chance for us to take. So in the end it doesn't really matter how many times you did wrong, does it? We aren't forced to do things we don't want to. Who would be in the position to require it?
Yet, there is something all of us need to do and that is to be ourselves. We can't afford to fail here. It does not entirely matter how many times we can't do something, but what's important is, to be ourselves. Truly, purely and honestly.
How can you expect to be loved or treated right when you're not yourself? When you're not showing your true personality. You'll always feel something's missing for you'll never get anything you could. So in the end this is a requirement from ourselves of ourselves. There's nothing more important in this world. Be good or be bad, love or hate, it doesn't matter as long as you truly are yourself. Only then can you grasp what and who you really are.
We all gradually build up our facades, but there is a time to get rid of them. You won't need them andy longer if you want to live life to the fullest. Let go and break free. Show the world your true colors. Of course most people won't see them anyways, for they became unable to feel all this. They are hollow inside, just walking shades of what they used to be. They lost it. Even if they do feel someday, they'd get irritated and probably get afraid for they don't know how it feels anymore. There's nothing that distincts them from all the architecture we created. They are nothing more than walls of concrete and stone... Wrongly cherished "achievements of humanity".

So this may be our crusade now, the one purpose we have to fullfil for now.
The rest will come...

Mittwoch, 2. September 2009

"Do never forget how it feels"

That's what he said.
When I felt, it overwhelmed me. My heart accelerating and trying to crush my ribs from the inside, tears flowing without a reason. It did feel strange, but good at the same time. Somehow important. I didn't want it to end but of course it did...

Now I feel unable to recall those feelings. I don't even feel alive without them. How can I know my heart is still beating if it's not smashing against my ribs? What did I hold back that day? I felt something wanted to break free, to crush the shell I surrounded it with. I didn't fully allow it and now it's gone. Feels like I'm missing something... sinking again.

What I'm most afraid of? Forgetting how it felt...

A lot of interesting things happened. Made use of my moleskin a lot lately but am unsure wether to share. It's very personal in the end. At least it helps me to remember- hopefully.