Dienstag, 24. Februar 2009


They say people whose mouth corners point down are sad people...

I kept looking into the mirror today, staring blankly. And the corners of my mouth point down... so down. And the longer I kept staring, the lower they sank.
Am I a sad person?
Actually I never thought about that... I always thought I looked pretty normal and had nothing too bad happening in my past. At least until February of last year...

My grandfather who lives next door had a heartattack and dropped dead at once. Luckily I had just taken my first aid course and had an adrenalin flash. So I ran upstairs, heaved him from the bed onto the ground (with the help of my father and grandma of course) and began to reanimate him. The only sign of live we got from him was a soft grip around my arm... and then he faded again... Fortunately the ambulance arrived just then and managed to get him more or less stable. (Seven times shocked...) Afterwards he lay in a state of artificial coma for about a month and had to go to rehabilitation for about a year...
The doctors said that he wouldn't have made it without our help, which made me very proud of myself. On the other hand it was the most disturbing night I've ever had. And I'd do everything to prevent this from happening again. It was horrible and I can't help myself but cry everytime I remember it, which is quite often these days. But he's back... feels strange to have him around again... and his character changed a lot I think... But the rest of my family doesn't seem to notice it yet...
After he began to go to reha my gandma fell into a deeeeeep deep hole of sadness and kind of lost herself... when she was okay again, my mother broke down and had all the symptoms of a heart attack. Fortunately this had no organic reasons... But she got ill too and had to be in hospital until 2 weeks ago... And about a month ago my grand-granddad died... of a heart attack... >_<

Last year was just horrible... until now, this years has been, too. I wonder if the corners of my mouth sank due to this never ending sadness I encountered and all the difficulties I had...
How fast can the features of your face change?

Am I a sad person? Do I seldomly smile? ... Am I not happy and outgoing and... you know where I'm aiming at...
I don't know. Another mystery I guess

Sonntag, 22. Februar 2009


Are perfectionism and ambition bad things when lived at the same time?
I'm not sure at the moment.

I all relates to the new sport I do, Kenjutsu. I started way after everyone else, but I'm always motivated to do my best. It's like a drug to me, I just can't get enough. I keep practising all the time and keep going and going. Some people even called me insane for doing that. oO

I'm normally not a sporty person. I didn't even do any sports until now. But Kenjutsu is just perfect for me. It's about techniques and a little competition at times. It's about live or death actually... And it challenges me. Moreover I like handling a sword... or a bokken at the moment.
When I had no training I kept practicing by myself or with someone I met there.
And I feel like I'm some kind of lunatic. I'm going crazy without practising and it frightens me. I know I'm being too ambitious but I can't help it...

And without sounding arrogant (at least I hope so, cause I really don't want to) right now I'm better than some people who have been doing Kenjutsu for a long time.
My aim is to get my hakama (the traditional robe) earlier than usual, which won't be possible I guess. So I just want to be the best. This is my ideal, the thing I strive for, my motivation...

Yet I feel bad about it. Can it be a bad thing to be that ambitious? Does it make me another person? Does it make me sound arrogant at times? Am I a lunatic? I don't know at the moment.
I just want to continue... and I want to be good, really good at it.

That's what I want and I kind of hate it. Feels like I'm being the arrogant bitch everyone will hate someday. The one that everyone dislikes because she's just too focused on fast learning and keeps missing the details and can't stop showing others that she's better than them to some degree. I'm afraid...

Someone, please help me clear my mind... please .. .. ...
I wish it was snowing... *sigh*

Dienstag, 17. Februar 2009

The Greatest

The greatest gift of our time is to have someone you still want to listen to.
There are so many stupid people around us, making it harder and harder for us to connect to anyone of them. At least that's what I experienced.

I'm generally not a people-hater, but now that I officially live in Berlin, I tend to dislike people around me more and more.
It's not like I don't want to connect, but I just can't go down to all of the peoples levels. That's just not me. I want people around me, who I love to listen to, who have great topics and important issues to talk about, because I'm usually not the one that talks the whole time. Most of the time I kind of am "the audience", which is good both for the one who's speaking and me, because I like to listen. But sometimes it's hard just listening to someone. And the tendency of it is still rising. (Maybe that's just the after effect of yesterdays desaster, dunno)

And I'm very glad I found some people worth listening to. People who don't waste their whole time talking shit but adressing important, philosophic, society based issues. Issues I like to learn about, issues I'm not familiar talking about exept in my own head.
It's kind of a good feeling to know that some people care about the same things your head revolves around. :3 And I'm honestly looking forward to all the conversations we'll hopefully have in the future. Let's keep talking you guys!! *cheer*

So today was... ... interesting xD

Montag, 16. Februar 2009


Here we go again...

Yet another shitty day over.
Today was very unnerving... First I had to take an exam in probably the most strange class I've ever taken. But it went pretty well I have to admit.
Afterwards we had to present our final tasks in art by creating a performance.

And gosh, everyone was so stupid oO
Why would you buy tons of alcohol knowing you can't drink it without going insane? Though I guess I was one of the only ones who didn't like the "wet" atmosphere. Some people are so pissing me off lately, I wished I could tear them to pieces and burn these to the ashes. Oo I know this sounds a little... er... violent, but I just hate people who are all about attention and keep pushing themselves into the centre of attention. Why can't you just hold back for a minute and be quiet to honor everyone elses work!? Why would you walk and jump all over the place all the time shouting, whispering so loud you could hear it to the other end of the room and keep fooling around awkwardly!? Damn I just can't have this...
Moreover most of the performances were frankly speaking shit.
Very good idea to present your pictures in the dark and lightening them with a flashlight from time to time... Or presenting your work in front of a Duschvorhang. Hate, hate hate.

Another fact that pissed me off was that I asked Mr. G if what I did was what he wanted in the beginning of the project and he just told me that he wasn't so sure but that I should keep on going like this. Which I did, knowing he would tell me that my work was crap in the end. Talked to some students about it and everyone kept telling me that I was overrating it and exaggerating it. But you know, I was right... and I knew it!
When I finished he told me that my work wasn't good, but that he especially liked my performance (which actually was harsh criticism) and gave me the better note...
How stupid is that!? Why can't he just tell me I was going the wrong path when I was still beginning and planning!? He also did this for the others... -_-
Ok, had to get rid of this... sorry.

Well L, I think it was a good decosion to just not be there at all. You didn't miss anything.
And I especially liked the way you presented your work... Nice.

On the other hand however I had a poetry flash today, due to the fact that I was fascinated by the snow falling... I love snow. Should be snowing all year *-*
So here's my minimalistic little (kind of) poem.


Hörtst du, wie der Schnee fällt?
Leise ... leise
... so leise.
Und sanft wie eine Berührung des Windes
wird er schließlich eins mit dir.
Reinigt deine Seele,
leert deinen Kopf.
Und du spürst, wie all die Hitze in dir,
all der Zorn geheilt wird.
Ich könnte hier ewig verweilen
und dir zusehen... leise, ganz leise.
Du bist unaufdringlich..., wunderschön.
Ich möchte das er nie verfliegt,
dieser wunderschöne Augenblick.
Wir teilen ihn, nur du und ich.
Und beim nächsten Wimpernschlag,
bist du schon wieder verschwunden...
Eins mit mir.

Und ich bin geheilt...
leise, ganz leise....

Thanks fot the attention...
I think I just fell in love again... with snow.
Feels so much better after a bath in the soft snowflakes.

Mittwoch, 4. Februar 2009

Burning the Ashes

Another day over... *phew*

These days an hour passes like a whole week. Sickens me not to be able to do anything useful.
Can't go on with my semester projects, for my musician is busy, teachers don't seem to be able to fill out a 10-questions questionnaire, my photos suck lately... and so on.
What the heck is wrong with me? The only thing that makes me feel good is doing sport... feels good to just let go and drift into another reality. A reality without university, stress, lost usb-sticks your processing semester project happens to be on, losing track of what you still have got to do.... blah blah.
Moreover people are much more relaxed there... feels good to be amongst them.

Today, one of my lecturers introduced us to the darkroom techniques. And exept of the fact that I don't quite catched everything he said about all the chemicals and processes you've got to do it was very interesting. And for the first time it seemed like he was really into what he was telling us and had muuuch time on hand. (Just seemed to be that way of course) Well I had fun :D
He's still one of my favourite teachers, though.
Maybe due to the fact that he always has some time for me if I'm having any problems. ^^
Feels good to get some positive feedback at least on SOMETHING...

Yesterday I realised that I have lost my USB- Stick last friday and was near breakdown. I had a lot of my semester projects in there. Fortunately there still are some honest people in this world and somebody gave it to the front-counter lady. ^^" Gheez...

And now... I don't know what to do
Sadness overwhelms me once again and leaves me drowning in the circles of my own mind...

PS: shitty "feeling" phrase oO
Should try to avoid this one next time. Sounds like I have a very limited vocabulary -_-