Sonntag, 7. März 2010


I'm leaving my whole world behind...
I leave the zone I learned to feel comfortable in, leave everything I know. Feels like I'm ending a huge chapter of my life, just to open up another one. But this one is written, nothing's gonna be the same. What a weird feeling. Somehow I wished this whole trip wouldn't feel that important. I wished it was just another trip, yet it isn't... this is something completely different.
Almost nothing's gonna be the same when I return. I don't know if I ever get to come back... I don't know if I want to, yet. I'm torn again.
Had to make some tough desicions before coming here and while I've been here. This was mostly about following my head or my heart. Probably the toughest decision yet because tthere were so many strings attached to either decision. Had to let go of all of that to finally hear the little voice within me. Tune out all the crap inside my head. And in the end I let my heart decide. Feel I made the right decision for once and feel kind of relieved. On the other hand having made that decision left me disappointed and sad. But I guess that's still better than becoming a sad person from making a wrong decision in a heartbeat. Life's for living, that's for sure. Just wished it wouldn't be that difficult. I feel like I'm missing out on something. Something important. That's how it always feels. And I hate it.
Just turned twentyone and I feel older than ever... not physically, but mentally. Like something's still not right. I always feel like I'm not doing the right things... Like there's something waiting for me that's gonna make me feel better. Or even older. My head is crumpling to pieces. It's gotten too heavy, too filled up with stuff. Don't know how to get it out. Maybe it's just one more decision I have to make. And I can't even figure out what I have to decide on. How pathetic. This thought is driving me nuts. Maybe I'm just tiring myself out by this, but everything just feels so wrong... >_< Someone tell me what's wrong with me, please!

I wonder how my life would be if someone else wrote the chapters for me... would it be the same? Would I feel better? ... Like I would know -_-
I'm tired.