People...

And again, I can't seem to understand people.

Had some really serious discussions with a close friend lately. Well actually I've met that somebody just about two months ago but it seems like we're one and the same. There's so many things we share and yet we're totally different. Somehow amazing. And I feel really close to a foreign person, which is strange and a little frightening... o.o *gets lost in thoughts*

Anyways, I always wanted to find someone to whom I could completely open up to, which I don't usually do. I tend to keep things to myself a lot causing me much trouble and sadness. But you know, I always thought that was just my way of doing it. And again I easily get lost in self pittying which is so embarrassing. Another thing is that I always think of my time as a valuable, yet running out. I envy people who'se years are passing by slowly. Who think they've got enough time on hand. I always think of my days and years on earth as limited, as for my glass, it would be half empty. Which I actually wouldn't define as being pessimistic, it's just that I... I kind of want to be remembered. I want people and most of all myself to be proud of something I produced. I need to find a sense in life, a purpose.
What's a life worth without a purpose. Without a goal to achieve? - Let me tell you, it's absolutely senseless. And I keep feeling senseless until I'll find the one thing I can do... I feel so useless lately.God and I'm drifting again... well don't pay too much attention on this.
I'm sure this is something I'll have to handle myself.

But I'm losing track of what I wanted to say... again. -_-
Actually I don't even remember the purpose of this entry. *damn*
Exept of the fact that people keep pissing me off a lot lately. Ther are so may people who don't deserve to be here (which means living) at all. Yet they're everywhere. What's wrong with the world? I kept asking myself this question a lot, but there's no solution to me. Don't know what happened... and I actully don't care anymore. No need for more headache ¬_¬
People just suck, that's it.

About stupidity

Gosh, I'm home again... finally xD

Yesterday I took a train to Berlin in order not to miss my training and the damn train was 2 hours late. Not the most stupid thing, though...
As my home was within reach, I began searching for my key. Thought no one would leave a key in their house at home... can't be that stupid. And guess what I left back home... yes, the fu***** key >.> So there I stood, cold, thirsty and homeless.
Taking a train back home would have been stupid, I thought. So I thought about where I was going to stay over the night... Under a bridge? In a house for homeless? xD Gosh I was so confused. But first thing I needed to do was finding some place I could stay at for some time. (By the way, I had to miss training, of course, since my outfit was in my room >.>) Fortunately, a sports-colleague had some time for me... I stayed at his place until evening ^^" Poor little friend, he must be so annoyed by me by now. *drop*
Eventually, I was allowed to stay at K's and Leas place for the night, which was awesome xD
Very nice flat, I got freshly cooked food (and it was very tasty *yum*) and they even had a free bed xD I expected to sleep on some floor. *lol*
We even watched some anime movie called "Paprika". And I wouldn't reccommend it to you, unless you're into very strange things. That was probably the most confusing movie I've ever seen. (Exept of some yapanese movies of course) Very colourful and... crazy. xD

But I'm very glad I got another key to my flat today.
Although I had to wake up at 6 in the morning in order to get that damn key -_-
And I'm getting really tired now... probably gonna sleep till 1 or 2 pm...

So good night xD

Stranger to myself

Dear --- ,

I don't even know what to call you. You probably don't even want to know me, but I know everything about you. In fact you're just a selfish bastard who's unable to identify her own self. Sounds harsh, but you should think about it...

There's so many negative things to say about you. I think you may have discovered this by yourself. You are a selfish, envious, untalented, annoying to others, stupid, freaky and to be continued idiot. You see, there's still so many negative things to mention. I don't even know where to start actually...
It's hilaroius how you refer to yourself as an individual. You're just another drop of water within the sea and don't stand out at all. Being special just isn't for you, I think. You're probably just another grey spot in this world, waiting to erase someone elses future by standing in the way. Yes, that's how your future will be. You'll make sure, there's a lot of hurdles in other peoples lives. Isn't this a little dissatisfying? You can surely ruin more peoples lives...

See how worthless your whole existance is?
Strange feeling, isn't it? But I'm sure you won't go and try to make a change. Because you're unable to adapt most of the time. You'll just go ahead and accept your part in this wicked play of your life without questioning. Like you always do. How can someome believe in everything people tell her? That's insane. People talk bullshit all the time. And you... you believe them, because you're unbelievably naiive. Gosh, it's dreadful to even try to explain your existance. There's no sense in it. You shouldn't even be allowed to live...
Still you do... and there's nothing the world can do about it. Not even killing you would be an option, cause there's so many of your kind...
You are the ones who make this world's development stagnate. You're affecting everyone who strives to improve this world. Is this fair?

You should think about it... seriously. Or for the better, stop being!
And be sure there's so much more I'd like to tell you at this point... you're such a disappointment alltogether...

Sincerely, your Reflection...

Distance...

... she felt lonely ...

There were always people around her, yet she was alone. Alone with her mind and all the thoughts swirling around in her head. It felt like there were invisible walls all around her that nobody could break through.
She tried to hide it, of course and succeeded in doing it. It was ok when she had some tasks that needed to be accomplished... assignments waiting to be finished with. It was when there was nothing to do that she was alone again... thoughts rolling in on her and drowning her in endless thoughts. There was no way she could escape them... she was aware of that.

It was time for feeling alone again... and everything faded. Finally alone again, she thought.
And she let herself go... let loose of everything she wanted to hold for it was useless...
All she needed to know was the fact that she was alone... At least one thing she was sure of in a world of uncertainties. This was the information she was able to hold on to. A realisation she would be able to make at any time.
There was so much she had forgotten over the years; her friends, her love, maybe even herself... she couldn't be sure... It was now that she couldn't think anymore. Like her thoughts ricocheted from the walls surrounding her and kept flowing in and out of her head...
There was nothing else to do for now exept of accepting her loneliness. Loneliness was an interesting word to her... she somehow liked the sound of it. Yet she didn't want to be lonely anymore. But what could she do?

Loneliness was her only friend... and distance to everyone the only relation she was able of keeping stable... This was it. She needed to accept it... and a new feeling built up insider her;
Bitterness...

Boredom

Gnaaah, I feel bored... generally bored.

It's like everytime I have holidays. I'm really looking forward to the holidays and to being at home again... But when I arrive I realise there's nothing practical I can do...
Perhaps I could try to work on my final task in typography but I'm not motivated enough to do that. I wonder when I'll be :P

Don't know why, but I feel kind of useless here...
There's nothing I can do to "improve the world"... *grin* Though nothing I've done before made the world a better place I guess.
Wanna be in Berlin again... there's so many things I miss and I don't want to
Damn...

Somebody give me a task or at least something to do ^^"