Freitag, 13. November 2009


I have to trust myself more.
Of course I still don't quite believe I can be as exeptional as the people I look up to, but who knows. After all they've been just as normal as I am now. I might be capable of a lot more than I imagine. In the end, there's really nothing I can lose, for I didn't really create anything yet. Consequently I'm free to do whatever I desire. What makes me whole and completes me. What I feel I need to do. It's _my_ priorities, not others'.
Yes, I am quite conform and I was shaped to be like I am now. Yet I have someone else inside me. A would be self... the best even possible. I can feel the struggle one has to get through to follow his dreams. Of course I can see that it's the harder way around. Yet... you always have to think about what it's worth in the end. I am aware of certain things, that's what makes me capable of change. He believes I have tremendous potential, not only in swordfight, but in life. I just have to listen to what my heart tells me instead of listening to my mind. My mind is what keeps me from living my dreams. I've been taught to go the safe places, to use the straight and easy ways to my destination. But again, what do I have to lose? If I fail, it'll only make me stronger, if I succeed, I've proven a point. One way or the other, I have to start to think about what I want to do with my life. Because life is not for waiting for the right moment, it's about living. I realised that.
I think I didn't quite live the life I wanted until now. So this is going to be a great change. I'll probably face a lot of hardships and cry a lot, maybe even scream while cyring, but in the end it'll be more than worth all the pain. Because every pain I hide for now becomes one with my body and it'll show someday. I will be emotionally, physically and psyhically crippled. To become the best possible Vivi, I will have to think about who I really am. What parts of me are what I desire, yet? Is this how I want to be? Or is it just a safe shell I'm hiding in, afraid of whatever might change?
I will kill Vivi... in order to set free my real self. The Vivi _I_ want to be, not the Vivi others want to see.

Long way to go, a lot of new things yet to discover.
And a lot of new inspiration and drive of course. I'll make my life as special and worth living as can be. To wake up every morning and be happy to exist...
Met him again today. Always a pleasure and a great inspiration. He's so easy to talk to, it just comes naturally. There's nothing he has to hide. Of course he has his very own struggles, but his life is what I'd describe as perfect. And he is exeptional... that's for sure.


  1. I think the way to go - especially in your case - is to listen to your heart, but let your brain make the plans. If you know what I mean.

  2. I totally understand, yet it's still hard for me to change anything about it. Will be a longer process I think.