About Japan

Well it has sure been a while since I came back from Japan, but still I feel like I could share a few things.

This trip has by far been the best I've ever done. It feels important, mainly because I had so much time to think and to see things clearly. I made some very important decisions that I am very proud of. I'm usually not a fan of tough decisions but still, I did it. And I've seen so many beautiful things and spiritual places... I think Japan might have changed me quite a bit.
I am more sure about who I am and where I want to go now. I know what to do.
I actually feel very confident with myself at the moment. I am quite stressed and confused at the moment, that I'll admit, but still, I grew. I am an adult now and don't regret it.
Until now I have been pursuing lots of goals and was able to achieve almost every of them. And I didn't only have luck. It's all about how you feel about things and how much effort you put into this. Just saying things wouldn't be fair doesn't help anything. Many people don't seem to see the world that clearly. They just go with the flow without thinking anything. What seperates them from buildings, bridges and other stuff? Who are they if they don't think?
... does this post make any sense? oO

Ah I don't care...

Worlds

I'm leaving my whole world behind...
I leave the zone I learned to feel comfortable in, leave everything I know. Feels like I'm ending a huge chapter of my life, just to open up another one. But this one is written, nothing's gonna be the same. What a weird feeling. Somehow I wished this whole trip wouldn't feel that important. I wished it was just another trip, yet it isn't... this is something completely different.
Almost nothing's gonna be the same when I return. I don't know if I ever get to come back... I don't know if I want to, yet. I'm torn again.
Had to make some tough desicions before coming here and while I've been here. This was mostly about following my head or my heart. Probably the toughest decision yet because tthere were so many strings attached to either decision. Had to let go of all of that to finally hear the little voice within me. Tune out all the crap inside my head. And in the end I let my heart decide. Feel I made the right decision for once and feel kind of relieved. On the other hand having made that decision left me disappointed and sad. But I guess that's still better than becoming a sad person from making a wrong decision in a heartbeat. Life's for living, that's for sure. Just wished it wouldn't be that difficult. I feel like I'm missing out on something. Something important. That's how it always feels. And I hate it.
Just turned twentyone and I feel older than ever... not physically, but mentally. Like something's still not right. I always feel like I'm not doing the right things... Like there's something waiting for me that's gonna make me feel better. Or even older. My head is crumpling to pieces. It's gotten too heavy, too filled up with stuff. Don't know how to get it out. Maybe it's just one more decision I have to make. And I can't even figure out what I have to decide on. How pathetic. This thought is driving me nuts. Maybe I'm just tiring myself out by this, but everything just feels so wrong... >_< Someone tell me what's wrong with me, please!

I wonder how my life would be if someone else wrote the chapters for me... would it be the same? Would I feel better? ... Like I would know -_-
I'm tired.

For stresses sake

I am back I dare to say.

I got quite a lot if things done last week. Of course it's still way too much stuff left, but it's a progress at least. And this is finally gonna be the last week of University, so yay.

Am really looking forward to my holidays and especially to my trip to Japan. It's gonna be just awesome!

Did meet up with a very good friend of mine on Sunday whom I haven't seen for ages it seems. You can't imagien how very good it felt to be with him again... talking, laughing... basicly just spending time together. Ah, that made up for quite a lot :D Feels like a great relief and I do hope that we can manage to establish a regular contact *haha* although that sounds a bit weird.

Uhm well yeah... think I could update my schedule for now:

Art Direction: -done

Rethoric: -done

Marketing: -done

Short Film: -done

Storyboard: -done

Illustrations: still 33%

Seminar Photos: around 20%

Editorial rose to about 20% as well

and I dhaven't yet started to write my "Hausarbeit" of course xD

Yet I feel a lot mor comfortable now. Looks much better *haha*

Okay, so here's one of my favourite photos of the winter shoot outside.

So maria was amazing like always. She's such a nice girl. I really love working with her. No complaining about the cold (she even said she didn't care if she'd catch a cold or get a temperature) God, like that's what I'm looking for! :D

Like said, she's just awesome. So I had craftet around 150 paper ships of different sizes (some from Linde, one from Lea as well) sewn that damn dress (and that took ages... and almost all my nerves) gotten dry ice (which didn't work properly) gotten all the equipment like flashes and props. That was torturous as well of course.

But the good thing is, that I found a nice little crew who helped me. So I'd like to say thanks again to Jasmin (MUA), Gerline (assist.), Kai (techn. support), Inka (assist.) and Julius (driver). Withou you I wouldn't have made it ^^

Oh and of course it was pretty damn cold... and we had people watching us and commenting on what we'd do. (and laughing at us... why the hell!?) It was quite funn though. I enjoyed it as much as I could when I wasn't desperate to find a solution to one more occuring problem. *tehihi*

Still, it worked out. And I think the image came out quite well :3 So enjoy.

...

0009

Finally back home... wow, this has been quite a long day.
Uni has been torturous... but hey, I have survived. Think exept of Editorial I've been quite productive today. Have thought a lot of things through at least.

The next weeks are gonna be more than stressful. Have a bunch of projects I need to work on and my personal stuff adds to it as well -_- Goddamn. Where's my time gone.
Have seen the progress stats in Leas blog and basicly just wanted to copy it :P
Motivation purposes I guess. Although I'm not that advanced... shit.

Rethoric: 95%
Short Film: 70%
Art Direction Portrait: 45%
Illustrations: 33%
Marketing: 25%
Seminar/Exhibition Photos: 15%
Storyboard: 12%
Personal Sideprojects (Retouching): 10%
Editorial: 3% -__-
Personal Stuff: 1%
"Hausarbeit": 0%

Uff... so much yet to do. I'm gonna pass out or suck :P But we'll see... I have around three or four weeks left oO *yay*
The thing is that I'm used to having small goals only and a riddiculous amount of time to finish it. Have to adapt to huge projects like the one I have to handle/organize now. But I think I'll grow a lot by trying to finish all of them about the same time :3

Cheers and good night.
Will leave for home in about 6 hours. Yay!!! And I'm gonna sew a huge dress :P

Aftermath

Well yes, a new year has begun.
Still haven't quite digested the last one I think. Time went by all to quickly and the feeling of missing some things grows stonger ans stronger.

Still, London was a blast. Exept of the 17 hour drive there and the 20 hour drive back, which was more then torturous...
Have been able to see a lot more of London than the last time I was there, which has only been for a day. Did revisit a lot of the places I've been to and even found the one japanese restorant I went to three years ago. Almost thught we'd never find it, because Chinatown is _so_ crowded woth these *haha* Well the purpose of my going to London actually was to get my precious memories back... for I lost almost all of the photos I took three years ago. Am so glad to have them back, you can't imagine... May seem a pathetic thing to do, but I needed this.
Yet now I feel more exhausted than ever. Can't even think of next week when uni will start again and we'll come to the final phase of this semester. So much work ahead and so little yet prepared. Should have made time management one of my priorities this year. *haha*

Mh well what else... already have everything I own stuffed into various boxes, which means the room I'm gonna live in for the final week of being in this dormitory is.. empty. Nothing personal, nothing at all actually, exept of the few things I'll need every day. Feels very strange sitting here. Like this wasn't my apartment... like no one ever lived here. Strange, again.

Am going to try to catch up with speel the last days and will see what mysteries the new year holds for me. Maybe I'll finally have some more time to do the things I want to, need to do.

Trivials

Sometimes it feels like you have known people for an eternity. Yet you don't really seem to know anything about them. Sure, you know lots of deep buried things. The type that is hidden deep down in their souls. It's those people you start to have the deepest conversations with from the beginning. But you're missing the unimportant things. The most trivial stuff like their favourite color, food, their biggest fear, what form their favourite plushed animal had and so on.
It feels like you've skipped most of your getting to know each other and dived right to the core. Yet sometimes it's nicer not to skip those levels. I'm missing those...

I feel an unbearable need for trivial things. My head is so crowded with important stuff, that it gets harder and harder to focus. I feel like I'm losing part of who I am. Maybe it will be worth the bad feeling in the end. But I actually don't want to wait. I just want it to stop. Need to clear my head.


Am off to London now. Will spend New Years over there and will have an interview for an internship I'd like to do there. We'll see how that one works out. Have fun you guys and a happy new year to you

Just something

Something quick and unnecessary for now.

I am _so_ in love with the new 30 Seconds to Mars album, it's riddiculous. After the awesome concert and signing stuff I feel so much closer to that band.
And having new music finally does feel totally awesome. Getting lost all the time and enjoying my self. Don't know what I'd do without music...

Still more than busy these days (and the upcoming weeks as well) uff.. I don't really wanna live these. o.o Strange thing to say, but that's how I feel. Wished it was all over already.
Either way I'm quite sure I won't be able to blog quite a while. Like I haven't until today *ha*
I miss blogging actually. It's always so much fun in a way. But atm I can't.

Go get the album, or ask me go give it to you... you'll love it :)

Recognition

I have to trust myself more.
Of course I still don't quite believe I can be as exeptional as the people I look up to, but who knows. After all they've been just as normal as I am now. I might be capable of a lot more than I imagine. In the end, there's really nothing I can lose, for I didn't really create anything yet. Consequently I'm free to do whatever I desire. What makes me whole and completes me. What I feel I need to do. It's _my_ priorities, not others'.
Yes, I am quite conform and I was shaped to be like I am now. Yet I have someone else inside me. A would be self... the best even possible. I can feel the struggle one has to get through to follow his dreams. Of course I can see that it's the harder way around. Yet... you always have to think about what it's worth in the end. I am aware of certain things, that's what makes me capable of change. He believes I have tremendous potential, not only in swordfight, but in life. I just have to listen to what my heart tells me instead of listening to my mind. My mind is what keeps me from living my dreams. I've been taught to go the safe places, to use the straight and easy ways to my destination. But again, what do I have to lose? If I fail, it'll only make me stronger, if I succeed, I've proven a point. One way or the other, I have to start to think about what I want to do with my life. Because life is not for waiting for the right moment, it's about living. I realised that.
I think I didn't quite live the life I wanted until now. So this is going to be a great change. I'll probably face a lot of hardships and cry a lot, maybe even scream while cyring, but in the end it'll be more than worth all the pain. Because every pain I hide for now becomes one with my body and it'll show someday. I will be emotionally, physically and psyhically crippled. To become the best possible Vivi, I will have to think about who I really am. What parts of me are what I desire, yet? Is this how I want to be? Or is it just a safe shell I'm hiding in, afraid of whatever might change?
I will kill Vivi... in order to set free my real self. The Vivi _I_ want to be, not the Vivi others want to see.

Long way to go, a lot of new things yet to discover.
And a lot of new inspiration and drive of course. I'll make my life as special and worth living as can be. To wake up every morning and be happy to exist...
__________________
Met him again today. Always a pleasure and a great inspiration. He's so easy to talk to, it just comes naturally. There's nothing he has to hide. Of course he has his very own struggles, but his life is what I'd describe as perfect. And he is exeptional... that's for sure.

True

The reason why I startet with photography.

My whole life has been ordinary. I've been raised up like a lot of other children, had a happy childhood and wasn't discriminated against or anything in school. I've always been just the average type of person. Been quite good at learning I guess (whatever you can get from that), but always good, not exeptional. I didn't want my life to be ordinary...
By now I try to convince myself that I started photography, because I've always been afraid of forgetting things. To not be able to remember what I've lived through. Because photography is a way of capturing time and space. Fortunately by now the results don't get lost that fast. Yet I somehow feel I'm just making this up to disguise the true reason for all of this.
I wanted to be exeptional at something. So when I started taking random photographs, had fun doing it and people told me how they liked it, I discovered my chance to do something that obviously not anybody could do. I strived to be exeptional, to find the purpose of my being. Because staying mediocrite definetely wasn't what I expected of life. And I needed a plan, a path I could follow.

Mh... I think by now I kind of know what it's about. And I gathered some more reasons to keep taking photographs. Its something I can please others with and likewise something that I can cherish and aprechiate myself. I'm feeling rewarded and accepted for what I do now and it does feel awesome. :)
Photography has become more than just an occupation or something to find aprechiation through... it's everything :3

--- Had to think about this a while ago and felt like posting

Slow

Well you guys... didn't post anything for quite a while now and to be honest, I still don't really have that much to say. Had a lot of things planned but none of them would come true, so mäh...
Still am a bit sad and don't feel that well... maybe I'm getting sick. Swine flu? Who knows :E

Hope to get a grip on all my uni tasks again for I have been procrastinating way too much lately and things are about to get out of hand @_@ Wahh.... I don't wanna.

Mh other than that... did some new photoshoots recently and am more than thankful that we finally have some new backdrops for the photostudio in our uni. Imagine, a white background that is white after all! Just amazing :P

Oh and I do miss some of my close friends. They've been away for about a month and a new meeting up is not yet settled... I tend to miss people fast... so I'm sad mostly. And homesick >.>