lopsided balance

I always thought you could only be good at one... job or relationship.
And until now that has always been a fact for me. Yet at the moment, both sides are equally good. Within my relationship I feel a safety I have never imagined before and it is all so shockingly perfect that it makes me wonder from time to time if there might be something awfully wrong and I just haven't noticed. I found my happiness again and am now more sure than ever to have found the right partner for me. Also I have just started my new job at a big fashion and lifestyle magazine. I was really lucky to get that job immediately without even knowing the magazine at first. It could have been bound to be you might say. I don't even know how I did it, but the boss liked me a lot and agreed to let me work for him by the next day which of course is very uncommon. It's so much fun working there and everyone is so nice and friendly... I felt at home after just a few hours there.
Am curiois to see where this will take me and how it all goes on... maybe this will be my time, finally.

Yay.

Bachelor

Yay, I am a Bachelor now!
Have had my final presentation this monday and passed with a degree of 1,0. *proud*
Our Bachelor exhibition launches tomorrow night. Hope to see you guys there ;)

system error

This years graduates of btk proudly invite you to their Bachelor-exhibition.

Repeatedly our fingers keep tapping on smudgy displays. No reaction. The machine is being cursed and shaken. Only then we notice the keyboard and buttons. With an enthusiastic push of the key we finally recieve our ticket.
Sometimes it's mistakes like these that yank us out of our usual hebetude. They force us to rethink our usual behavior and to take in our surroundings anew.
The title of this years (Bachelor-)exhibition, "system error" suggests, that there's usually a problem leading the way for a new idea. The exhibition of 2011/12s bachelor year at Berlin University of Applied Science (btk) extends over two floors of the university. Each one of the 56 works intends to creatively solve a problem. Within the discourse between digital and alalogue media, ideas will not only be made visible, but even made come alive.
The graduates of the majors Photography, Communicationdesign, Motiondesign and Interfacedesign proudly present their various works and thereby create a unique exhibition.

Vernissafe: 03.2.2012, 19:00
Exhibition period: 04.-09.2.2012
Opening hours: daily 15:00 to 19:00

Location: Berlin University of Applied Science
Bernburger Str. 24-25
10963 Berlin

click on Picture to see a little teaser to my bachelor project

Well, it's a first

As you might know, I'm not really a party person. But when in great company, even I am able to have my share of fun while partying :D It's been two parties now that I really enjoyed. Maybe I can be a sociable party person as well haha.

My former boss and photographer Felix organized a party in his photostudio. That means I got a chance to meet a lot of the awesome people I met during my internship again. Oh how I have missed them all. It was a blast. And- as supposed to be at our studio party- he bulit up a little photo box that all the guests gladly used. Here are some of the results :D






After we got thrown out of the studio we didn't really want to go home immediately.
Somehow we got the chance to attend a (mostly russian) model party at puro sky lounge. And gosh how much fun that was. We had the most amazing view from the 22nd floor, free drinks all night, cool (but very loud) music and the cooles party crew ever. Yes, I did drink too much but I definitely want to go again...
Am still waiting for those pictures, so be prepared.

Baroque Coco

From one of my recent shootings. Location is in the woods of Tegel. (next time I'll find some place closer) Model is the lovely Lena, Make Up was done by the funtastic Karina and the awesome dresses are from designers: Peter Merö, Mila Miyahara, Antonia Goy and Crusz.
This was (organisation-wise) my largest shooting yet. And it was so much fun :D
Need to repeat that.

Next term I'll mainly focus on my bachelor thesis and the accompanying project. Hope to be able to do a few shoots besides though... But be prepared, the bachelor project will be super awesome!

Also, I'm gonna get my little puppy by the end of this week. Am SO looking forward to that little fellow. He's the cutest thing I've ever seen :3 Hope to be able to handle him right though. But guess it's all just a matter of time and endurance.

I'll update you again soon

Let's go colour

Have been doing quite a lot new projects these last few months. This time, I thought I could go more colourful than I usually do. And I really like the outcome :)

Model was the wonderful Anna and Make Up was done by Miriam.

bygones be bygones

I miss training...
I miss all the nice people I had around me there. I miss my trainers always calm expression. I miss the tension before showing what you can do. I miss the exitement when getting the perfect hit. I miss P motivating me.
I miss sweating and linking it. I miss the energy you feel after training. I miss my sword. I miss the atmosphere. I miss my thoughts of R. I miss both K and R. I miss our conversations. I miss the deep inspiration I always get when I'm around them. I miss philosophy. I miss poetic thoughts. I miss my philosophy teacher from school. I miss the easiness of that time. I miss learning something new every day. I miss the anticipation before a test. I miss my hometown. I miss the old red car I had back then. I miss the freedom I felt. I miss my own carelessness.
To cut things short: I miss the past... a lot.

And it seems like I can't get all those things back as easily as I'd wish. I want to continue training but have a lack of motivation, time and money. I want to visit K and R but am too shy to do so. I want to go back to Japan but it's impossible at the moment. I want to be a kid again but can't.
Of course things change. Of course life gets better an better. Of course I get many new chances and experience amazing things. Yet why can't things change back? Why can't I feel like back then again? Why does time always flow forward instead of backward? Why can't we go back? Why does my head permit me to go back? Why can't I go?

Would it be a disappointment to go back? Would I like it that much? Would it be the same? Could it be even better? I will never know.

Besides

Am trying to fous more on my photography this year and have been doing another shooting last weekend. My first time beauty shooting. What's funny about it is, that I actually like the images we took besides the actual shooting better than my series. ^^" Damn.
But then who actually cares? I love it.

See the beautiful Amanda who seems to be more fairy than human.

Shooting again

It's been months and months since I have last been shooting. That was horrible :P

First project for this year is part of a university class that I'm doing. Have to shoot a few series this semester. No other specifications.
First idea was to shoot a Lingerie Editorial in a church. Also wanted to take up the nun-image.
And here's the result ;)



Model: Aljona / MUA: Jasmin / Assistants: Marcus + Achim / Fashion: Zugeschnürt

uni

Feels good to be in university again. Am very relaxed and balanced these days, which feely extremely nice. All the internships strain has fallen off of me.

University offers some nice classes this semester which can be described as useful as well. So yay :D Have many new projects to work on and am greatly looking forward to these. First shooting will be upcoming monday.

more later...

How to live a fucking good life

Now that I'm done with my internship I feel a slight relief. Did have quite much responsibility, which led to stress I haven't known before. And I actually don't like being that responsible on so many different fields. But that done (and my much desired trip to Japan cancelled, unfortunately) there was enough time to regenerate and relax. Too much time actually.

Am now looking quite forward to university starting again. Quite confident with my choice of classes as well. I didn't choose Photography as my field of interest for the classes were rather boring. Also I'm not that much into documentary photograph and stills... too bad :P
So we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Also I was offered a cool spare-time job that I will apply for the upcoming friday.
And gosh I need to redo my portfolio anytime soon. Just put that on my growing To-Do list -_-

Many changes and decisions ahead... will keep you updated ;)

2011

Plans for 2011

.get my own EOS 5D Mk II
.shoot at least 3 beauty editorials
.organize more photoshoots
.earn some money with my photography

.improve my cutting skills
.learn much more Japanese
.learn to play the violin or piano
.grow more self confident

.visit at least 5 new cities
.develop my own analogue films
.lose weight
.go out with friends more

Inspiration

I'd like to dedicate this post to a photographer that greatly inspires me;

JINGNA ZHANG

It's kind of hard to explain what exactely it is that fascinates me that much about her work, but I'll gladly try.
There is such a subtile beauty to all of her photos that I can't resist. Somehow they seem magical, unreal. On the first look her photos seem to be so easy and natural, but if you look at them closer there's so much emotion and depth to them that you can easily get lost.

I love the way she portraits people, how she manages to capture the essence of a person in just one look. And without doing too less or too much. It just seems natural.
I love the way she uses fabrics and materials and integrates them in her photos. The floating, silky fabrics or the deep black water.
I love the specific colours thet can be found in almost all of her photos. The fairytale-like paleness of her models.
I love the models she works with. They are stunning and of a beauty I have seldomly witnessed.

I am very thankful to be allowed to share the moments she captures. And only by seeing her images I feel greatly inspired to truly grasp the beauty of life around me. And to be able to capture moments like this by myself someday...

We can only then be successful if we clearly know what we're looking for. If we are aware of the things that remain unseen by others. And I think Jingna has found it and made it her gift to us...


And here's some of my favourites of her work:

Happiness

I haven't been myself these last months. I always felt like being at the brink of losing myself completely. An unbelievable sadness has overwhelmed me and until now I wasn't able to grasp why...

I think I've made a mistake about a year ago. Back then my decision was right but by now it has proven to be terribly wrong. I have been searching for a year now. earching almost exactely for what I have abandoned back then. Am currently trying to fix it somehow and am curious for the results of this.

Will let you know.

You

You are a strange creature.
Walking the earth like you were of the usual kind. Mingling with the big great mass trying not to stand out. Yet we both know you're different. There's something about you that I cannot resist. You're my gravity, my inspiration, my... lost treasure. The safety I needed to grow.
I lost track of where your path led you. Forgot how to recognize you - grew ignorant of your appeal.
Where are you? How can I find you again? When will I stop being lonely?
We always wish for what we've lost. For what we've left behind and what we can't own.
I wish to find you again. And some time I will.

... for all prayers are heard...

♥

Lapse

Weeks go by in a blur.
Strange, because every single day feels like an eternity... over and over again. I definetely feel that I'm missing something important. Yet I can't name it. An invisible pain that restricts me in every possible way. I feel it. Too strong, too prominent. But this doesn't change anything unfortunately. What am I to change if I don't know what to look for, what to hope for, what to long for?




Does it make sense to seek the unseekable?

the travel bug

Japan has definetely infected me. Since I've been there I can hardly think of any other country I want to see. The only thing on my mind is: I need to go back there! Need to smell the japanese air again, reunite with the wonderful people I met there, go out and eat, sing Karaoke... so many things...
It's gotten worse and worse with time passing by and especially when more and more people confirm the fact that they are going there! By now my subconscious mind is almost tortouring me with thoughts and even dreams about Japan. This whole night I dreamt how I was packing my suitcases for the journey. Sorting things out, organising everything, talking about what I needed to pack and think of. In the middle of the dream I realised that I only had a flight ticket to Tokio but not back...

And when I woke up I felt... exhausted. All that work for nothing... just a dream.
So today, I looked for flights directed to Tokio. I even found a few good ones. Mostly more expensive than the one I took last time but then I found a cheaper one...
Was almost about to book it right at the moment but didn't dare to. A good decision I'm sure now. Would have flown with Turkish Airlines (wasn't that the line that had so many plane crashes last year?) and would have had to stay at the airport of Istanbul for no less than 20 hours on both flights!!! o.O Now that's sick... The onl advantage with Turkish Airlines was that I could take up to 30kg with me *hahahar*
Had a little chat with my mum who was just worried about where I would stay.

That's fixed now. Can go back to the family that adopted me last time, they'd be happy to have me back. And I'm even happier that they'll let me stay with them again :D
So all I need to do now is: find the perfect flight and then save as much money as I can... because at the moment I can onl pay the flights and half of what I need to give the family :P
And I'm gonna take back SO much stuff :D Even more than last time I guess. And I know exactely where I want to go *lavishes over all the possibilities*

God I'm so happy...
will keep you updated <3

Musica

Because I saw it on L's Blog and it's so much fun to do ^^
>>>>>>>>>>


1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?

until the end
2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
feeling sorry
3. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?

drachentöter
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

unchain my heart
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE PURPOSE?

the world
6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?

must get out
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

fuck the system
8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?

diamond on a landmine
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT A LOT?

psycho
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?

lovely
12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

dawn of a new day
13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?

stadtaffe
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU GROW UP?
savior
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

god put a smile upon your face
16. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

klodsmajor
17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

black and white
18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?

hors la vie (no life)
19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?

ignorance
20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

last living souls
21. SONG THEY WILL PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
not fair

.... <3

No more goodbyes

Why are goodbyes so hard to endure?
It's so much like losing a part of oneself... and it's sad even if it happens for the most wonderful reasons. Two very good friends of mine who I haven't gotten the chance to meet as regularly as I would have liked to will now be moving to the Canary Islands. When I first came to Berlin they were my safe haven, so to say. I needed them badly and I got used to having them around. The best friends I ever had. They got quite busy with work so we couldn't maintain regular contact. I got used to being on my own again but still... they are pretty darn important to me. Some of the best and deepest conversations and thought I had, I had them when I was with them. Have gotten to know myself a lot better as well...
Have met them just today and we talked like in good old times. They're so easy to talk to... and I realised once more that I won't see them for at least half a year from now on, which is damn sad. They'll take a big part of me with them. And that part I'm gonna miss... It's for the right reasons still. They overworked themselves and weren't quite as happy here. They're just not made for living in cities. Fortunately they now found the perfect place for them to stay. And they will find peace in the end, that I'm sure of. They needed time for themselves badly and I'm glad they can take it now, finally. It was definetely the right decision for them to leave. Still... it makes me sad having to let them go. .___.

I've had too many goodbyes these days... I feel torn.

system override

Gheez, these past few weeks have been.. too much.
But in a good way.
I can't quite get it all together at the moment because too many things happened simultaneously. But let's make it a chronological report. Or something alike *haha*

About two weeks ago I got the chance to meet two wonderful new people whom I am missing just now. Spo0ky and Sheena. Haven't met awesome people like them for a while now. We had _so_ much fun together and I enjoyed every minute of it. And discovered that Spooky is almost my neighbor xD Just too bad they'll be moving to Munich... so far away, damn. And Berlin feels strange without them here I have to admit. Well Spooky is still here of course but it's not long until he'll be gone as well... Guess I've got to go to Munich then anytime soon to visit them. Plans ahead *hahar* Oh and guess what... I now own a tactical vest and a paintball grenade. OMG Spooky-chan thanks soooo much again. You have no idea how cool those items are for me. And how mucht they serve my hunger for military stuff. :E Will see if I can wear them out at last :3
True epicness can be only be found when we three are together... DESU~
Have also made quite a good connection to a friend that I've known for years but never really gotten to know it seems. By now we're on the phone so often, you might think we were a couple xD It's just so much fun chatting with him. And he's one of the few people that I don't hate being on the phone with. Those who know me better are aware that I hate being on the telephone. But with him it's different. Guess it's because we share a lot of interests and there's no expectation behind that call. It doesn't really serve a purpose which makes it a casual conversation. Love that. And since I finally got a new steam account, we can rule the others together :D Arr haven't been playing any cool online games for years now. So it's not a surprise that I'm now all in for round after round. Only negative side to this is that it does steal quite a lot of time and ruins my sleeping-habits. But I couldn't care less ^^

Mh what else... will be going to Cologne for this years GamesCom and am so looking forward to it. I won two day tickets *damn I'm lucky* and can stay at an old friends place. So I do save quite a lot of money. Thank god. And staying at Flos place should be fun as well. He'll have several people over for Games Com so there's gonna be a big party for sure. And since we haven't seen each other since New Years Eve about three years ago we'll sure have a lot to talk about. Arrr there's nothing better than meeting old friends.
And I did meet old friends just two weeks ago. Decided to come home over the weekend (i know that's rather usual) and found out that a few old school friends wanted to go to the cinema. I wanted to go out anyway so I joined in. We watched Inception which - as I basicly published everywhere- is one of the most aewsome movies I have seen for a while. It's not only the complexity of the story and storytelling but the main idea behind this film and the awesome sets and 3D rederings that make this film worth seeing. I loved every minute of it. And not only was the movie great, my company was as well. One of my best freind from school brought a good friend of his, who was.... veeery nice :3 Let's just say I finally found somebody that suits me and cares for me in a way that feels more than great. And I haven't felt this good for a while now. Almost like a teenager... I could sing and dance around all day and keep smiling without a reason. I somehow get the feeling that the sun's shining out of my ass these days. It's just _too_ good... I could eat the whole world. <3
Aww there's so much more to say but I guess I'm gonna leave it for now and write again soon.
This is too much already *kchihi*

So to sum it up... no one can get me down these days. Not even Sounddesign *haha*
Epic win I'd dare say.




// Edit: Some epicness I'm hopefully allowed to share here =^__^=

About luck and when it is unnecessary

Silence for what seems to have been forever again. But I have some things to share now. Progress finally :D

So well, where to start...?
University is getting better and better again. Probably because we finished a few classes by now. This semester has been... quite hard so far, actually oO. Mainly because I lacked interest in a few classes and because I had too many out-of-uni projects. Finsihed my photography-seminar with photographer Felix Rachor, had to organize my biggest shooting yet (and all by myself) and learned a lot. I'm about to full update my portfolio within a month or so and can't wait to do it.
I feel like I've grown up quite a lot within these last 4 or 5 months. So many changes, so many chances... and I was able to take most of them.
I can't really express the enthousiasm I feel right now, but I realised that I have done so many things other people don't have a chance to do their whole lives. I am finally starting to live my dreams and to do what makes me happy. I have met the most awesome people, did some of my coolest projects so far, visited countries I would have never dreamed of ever being to... And talking to other people the thought of me having been really lucky so far has just been confirmed. And I can't wait for what's going to happen next. The next years in front of me will be SO much fun :D

So well, my internship was confirmed finally so I will be working for a fashion photographer by September. He said it was going to be hell, but I think it's gonna be a great experience. Maybe the greatest so far concerning photography :3 And since I heard that so many people don't have a clue of what they will be doing next semester, I'm even more proud of myself. And it was the first application I sent :P Got my answer within two hours and now here I am... think I've done some things right in the end :3

Also, I have been lucky yesterday xD Well since I'm only lucky when it's not important, I won 4 tickets for a sold out concert of the famous german violinist David Garrett out of a sudden. Didn't expect this at all and was quite confused when the message showed up on my screen saying: Congratulations, you won! I was like... is this a fucking joke? But it turned out to be true and I had the best Tuesday afternoon... so far I think. The concert was just amazing... I mean everything about it. We didn't have to wait in the queue because we had premium tickets, we sat in row 13 which is damn close to the stage and had a wonderful view. We even got tickets for the aftershow party which is just... unbelievable. I am so thankfiul for this evening :D
It's making me very happy.

And that's what it's all about in the end, right? Being happy!
So Cheerio folks, I'll be back :D