.

Those eyes I couldn't escape... ...
Those mesmerizing eyes that mine were glued to. They washed through me, washed away all my worries, my thoughts, my past. All my life in fact. I was nothing, I was everything as long as I stared into them. Everything meant nothing, there was no hurry. It all didn't matter anymore, for a whole world spread out before me. Experiences of a lifetime, a library of his life ready to be explored. I could have shared all he knew, but was given no time. Moments that shouldn't be allowed to end always fade the fastest. They always do...

I wish I could say more, but again I'm out of words. Can't explain, just feel. It's hard sharing feelings, but I think for the first tme now, I could do it I think.
Just imagine.

Who!?

Who am I? A cross-wearing (but non-religious) swordsmanship-training and photo-taking girl with (occasionally) purple hair... But does this count as an identity? What else is there to me than the things I do or the way I look? There definetely has to be something more.
Yet I am incapable of grasping it for I'm not really around myself that much. I just happen to know everything I'm saying and thinking...
Would be nice to have someone sincerely judging me. To define who or what I am more closely. Can't really say that I'm having an identity crisis, just wondering what I am to others. Because all I am is the marks anyone else left on me.
I am what other people made me and try to convince myself that I'm creating my own future. Strange, isn't it?

Uncertainty

Well, a lot of things keep happening, both positive and negative. Don't quite know what to think about this, it's just happening. Moreover I have a lot of new changes, chances, opportunities and obstacles in front of me. Don't know how everything will turn out but am unable to think about all this. It's just too much for my brain to handle at the moment.
Had a lot if deadlines, appointments and To-Do's these last weeks and am pretty much exhausted. I love what I'm doing, but right now I'm a bit tired of it. Can't seem to concentrate and my holidays don't really feel like holidays anymore. Unfortunately it feels like I didn't have any... And with university starting again I don't know if I'll be able to handle all my stuff.
I'm even emotionally confused at the moment and a little unable to keep my relationships alive. Just a moment ago a vessel in my eye popped, leaving the most ugly and strange mark... I need sleep.

I've got no clue where to start, what to do, what to think through... I'm just trying to complete the level I guess.

Focus

Everyone makes mistakes. A lot to be honest. Seems like we humans need failure to improve. The good thing about it is that there's almost always a second chance for us to take. So in the end it doesn't really matter how many times you did wrong, does it? We aren't forced to do things we don't want to. Who would be in the position to require it?
Yet, there is something all of us need to do and that is to be ourselves. We can't afford to fail here. It does not entirely matter how many times we can't do something, but what's important is, to be ourselves. Truly, purely and honestly.
How can you expect to be loved or treated right when you're not yourself? When you're not showing your true personality. You'll always feel something's missing for you'll never get anything you could. So in the end this is a requirement from ourselves of ourselves. There's nothing more important in this world. Be good or be bad, love or hate, it doesn't matter as long as you truly are yourself. Only then can you grasp what and who you really are.
We all gradually build up our facades, but there is a time to get rid of them. You won't need them andy longer if you want to live life to the fullest. Let go and break free. Show the world your true colors. Of course most people won't see them anyways, for they became unable to feel all this. They are hollow inside, just walking shades of what they used to be. They lost it. Even if they do feel someday, they'd get irritated and probably get afraid for they don't know how it feels anymore. There's nothing that distincts them from all the architecture we created. They are nothing more than walls of concrete and stone... Wrongly cherished "achievements of humanity".

So this may be our crusade now, the one purpose we have to fullfil for now.
The rest will come...

"Do never forget how it feels"

That's what he said.
When I felt, it overwhelmed me. My heart accelerating and trying to crush my ribs from the inside, tears flowing without a reason. It did feel strange, but good at the same time. Somehow important. I didn't want it to end but of course it did...

Now I feel unable to recall those feelings. I don't even feel alive without them. How can I know my heart is still beating if it's not smashing against my ribs? What did I hold back that day? I felt something wanted to break free, to crush the shell I surrounded it with. I didn't fully allow it and now it's gone. Feels like I'm missing something... sinking again.

What I'm most afraid of? Forgetting how it felt...
____________________________

A lot of interesting things happened. Made use of my moleskin a lot lately but am unsure wether to share. It's very personal in the end. At least it helps me to remember- hopefully.

Friggin trains

*gnah* Bad luck keeps following me on the heels it seems.

Today I finally get to drive home and guess what: Forgot my purse and noticed it in the train... So for I'm a good girl I went to the authority telling her about my problem. And you sure can't expect any sympathy from people who don't have a life of their own. No mercy, no understanding, just evil minds... should have asked someone to take me with him/her first.
So now here I sit, having to pay about 70€ instead of the 13 I have to pay usually... just wonderful.

I can't

Why does it always have to be black and white? Where has the grey gone?
I don't know what exactly IS wrong, but everything just doesn't seem to feel right.

I hate the fact that my greatest days are always darkened by something else... Maybe I'll just have to do things on my own for once, without anyone around me able to destroy it. Probably the right thing to do then. In the end my heart and my soul are my true dictators, huh?

It's way to complicated... and I'm totally losing it. It's like sand in my bare hands.
And I'm a disabled...

Right now I'm rehabilitating I guess. Just need more pleasant events...

... cut the randomness

Many people like living in the past. They enjoy remembering how great everything was and wish for these times to return. Of course living in the past can be nice, but you won't ever get forward in life. You'll just stick to what you've had and don't dare to do te next steps. Minus. You're imprisoned by your own memories and can't manage to hold them back. They keep swirling around your mind and dazzle you... Everything you see reminds you of something you've already experienced. So there's nothing new to you. Double minus. What's a life without new experiences and fun?

Some people live in the present. They are rational and can easily adapt to current situations. They know what to expect and always know what to do for now. Never bored, that's a plus. The question however is what you make out of it. Do you just always try to make the best out of every day that passes? Or do you try to always fullfil the wishes you might have? Not so sure about if this is the right way either... Present can be stressing and confusing. You'll sumetimes get stuck with a situation and can't think of a way to solve it. Minor minus.

And a few people live in the future. I'm part of them. They always think about what could happen and can't manage to aprechiate the present nor the past. They are likely to forget about those pretty quickly and get themselves lost in thoughts about what could happen, where they could be. They don't really get anything done as well. Big minus. They always find new things to consider, new chaces or risks. There's never a day when they don't speculate. It's exhausting. I'd rather be able to cheish what I already have accomplished instead of always having to think about what will be, could be, should be and shouldn't be next. It's way too confusing to keep track on. Think about all the opportunities and paths one could go from now. It's disturbing... ina way.
Discovered this just now, for whatever reason. Thought it was important, however, so here I share it with you. Just thoughts in the end, but to me they are important, as hell to be honest. Every discovery strikes me and makes me able to improve further.

So I just took another step. Hopefully in the right direction. Or well maybe I should hope to have chosen the wrong direction, for it gives me the chance to fail and learn? Not so sure...

Just now...

Again sitting around without really knowing what to do.
Of course there's some things I need to take care of, but somehow they don't seem important enough to me just now...
Thought holidays would be great and adventurous but totally failed. The ones I'd love to spent time with are either away theirselves or unable to move due to illnesses. This sucks.

So for now there's really nothing to tell you, nothing to do, no reason to blog...
Yet I feel the need to blog... so here we go. >.>

Affirmation

... " You know, actually there's a lot of positive things in what you say. You're not as pessimistic as you think and a lot of good things come out of your mouth. You have great potential as a person, although you might not yet have noticed. You will create the future you desire, that's what's real."

... Why do we always need to get everyones approval? Why does affirmation feel that ridiculously good? Do humans always need to get praised for doing something right or being good at something? We might know that it doesn't really matter for we know what we've created. But if we aren't "rewarded", we wonder if anyone noticed what we've done. Isn't it strange?
Is this all about society again? I wonder...

I keep thinking a lot and cant seem to get the answers I want. I'm stuck somewhere. Might need a map or some help... ;)


Another thing /at the moment) is that I'm overly fascinated by some people- actually it's two.
Seems like some people are too good to be true. They are sincere and honest and manage to express theirselves at any time. They brighten up your mood by just being theirselves and not thinking about making you happy.
... There's nothing worse than sensing someone's just saying something to appease you. oO
I wonder where they've got all their positivity, optimism and wisdom from. It can't be that easy to gain those. I feel like there's still so much I can learn and so much I need to talk to them about. But these people are rare... too rare for my taste. Of course this makes meeting them even better for their enigmatic aura instantaneously flows over. Yet, t's sad when they're not around...

Gnah... don't know what I'm writing >.>
I'll shut up.