People...

And again, I can't seem to understand people.

Had some really serious discussions with a close friend lately. Well actually I've met that somebody just about two months ago but it seems like we're one and the same. There's so many things we share and yet we're totally different. Somehow amazing. And I feel really close to a foreign person, which is strange and a little frightening... o.o *gets lost in thoughts*

Anyways, I always wanted to find someone to whom I could completely open up to, which I don't usually do. I tend to keep things to myself a lot causing me much trouble and sadness. But you know, I always thought that was just my way of doing it. And again I easily get lost in self pittying which is so embarrassing. Another thing is that I always think of my time as a valuable, yet running out. I envy people who'se years are passing by slowly. Who think they've got enough time on hand. I always think of my days and years on earth as limited, as for my glass, it would be half empty. Which I actually wouldn't define as being pessimistic, it's just that I... I kind of want to be remembered. I want people and most of all myself to be proud of something I produced. I need to find a sense in life, a purpose.
What's a life worth without a purpose. Without a goal to achieve? - Let me tell you, it's absolutely senseless. And I keep feeling senseless until I'll find the one thing I can do... I feel so useless lately.God and I'm drifting again... well don't pay too much attention on this.
I'm sure this is something I'll have to handle myself.

But I'm losing track of what I wanted to say... again. -_-
Actually I don't even remember the purpose of this entry. *damn*
Exept of the fact that people keep pissing me off a lot lately. Ther are so may people who don't deserve to be here (which means living) at all. Yet they're everywhere. What's wrong with the world? I kept asking myself this question a lot, but there's no solution to me. Don't know what happened... and I actully don't care anymore. No need for more headache ¬_¬
People just suck, that's it.

About stupidity

Gosh, I'm home again... finally xD

Yesterday I took a train to Berlin in order not to miss my training and the damn train was 2 hours late. Not the most stupid thing, though...
As my home was within reach, I began searching for my key. Thought no one would leave a key in their house at home... can't be that stupid. And guess what I left back home... yes, the fu***** key >.> So there I stood, cold, thirsty and homeless.
Taking a train back home would have been stupid, I thought. So I thought about where I was going to stay over the night... Under a bridge? In a house for homeless? xD Gosh I was so confused. But first thing I needed to do was finding some place I could stay at for some time. (By the way, I had to miss training, of course, since my outfit was in my room >.>) Fortunately, a sports-colleague had some time for me... I stayed at his place until evening ^^" Poor little friend, he must be so annoyed by me by now. *drop*
Eventually, I was allowed to stay at K's and Leas place for the night, which was awesome xD
Very nice flat, I got freshly cooked food (and it was very tasty *yum*) and they even had a free bed xD I expected to sleep on some floor. *lol*
We even watched some anime movie called "Paprika". And I wouldn't reccommend it to you, unless you're into very strange things. That was probably the most confusing movie I've ever seen. (Exept of some yapanese movies of course) Very colourful and... crazy. xD

But I'm very glad I got another key to my flat today.
Although I had to wake up at 6 in the morning in order to get that damn key -_-
And I'm getting really tired now... probably gonna sleep till 1 or 2 pm...

So good night xD

Stranger to myself

Dear --- ,

I don't even know what to call you. You probably don't even want to know me, but I know everything about you. In fact you're just a selfish bastard who's unable to identify her own self. Sounds harsh, but you should think about it...

There's so many negative things to say about you. I think you may have discovered this by yourself. You are a selfish, envious, untalented, annoying to others, stupid, freaky and to be continued idiot. You see, there's still so many negative things to mention. I don't even know where to start actually...
It's hilaroius how you refer to yourself as an individual. You're just another drop of water within the sea and don't stand out at all. Being special just isn't for you, I think. You're probably just another grey spot in this world, waiting to erase someone elses future by standing in the way. Yes, that's how your future will be. You'll make sure, there's a lot of hurdles in other peoples lives. Isn't this a little dissatisfying? You can surely ruin more peoples lives...

See how worthless your whole existance is?
Strange feeling, isn't it? But I'm sure you won't go and try to make a change. Because you're unable to adapt most of the time. You'll just go ahead and accept your part in this wicked play of your life without questioning. Like you always do. How can someome believe in everything people tell her? That's insane. People talk bullshit all the time. And you... you believe them, because you're unbelievably naiive. Gosh, it's dreadful to even try to explain your existance. There's no sense in it. You shouldn't even be allowed to live...
Still you do... and there's nothing the world can do about it. Not even killing you would be an option, cause there's so many of your kind...
You are the ones who make this world's development stagnate. You're affecting everyone who strives to improve this world. Is this fair?

You should think about it... seriously. Or for the better, stop being!
And be sure there's so much more I'd like to tell you at this point... you're such a disappointment alltogether...

Sincerely, your Reflection...

Distance...

... she felt lonely ...

There were always people around her, yet she was alone. Alone with her mind and all the thoughts swirling around in her head. It felt like there were invisible walls all around her that nobody could break through.
She tried to hide it, of course and succeeded in doing it. It was ok when she had some tasks that needed to be accomplished... assignments waiting to be finished with. It was when there was nothing to do that she was alone again... thoughts rolling in on her and drowning her in endless thoughts. There was no way she could escape them... she was aware of that.

It was time for feeling alone again... and everything faded. Finally alone again, she thought.
And she let herself go... let loose of everything she wanted to hold for it was useless...
All she needed to know was the fact that she was alone... At least one thing she was sure of in a world of uncertainties. This was the information she was able to hold on to. A realisation she would be able to make at any time.
There was so much she had forgotten over the years; her friends, her love, maybe even herself... she couldn't be sure... It was now that she couldn't think anymore. Like her thoughts ricocheted from the walls surrounding her and kept flowing in and out of her head...
There was nothing else to do for now exept of accepting her loneliness. Loneliness was an interesting word to her... she somehow liked the sound of it. Yet she didn't want to be lonely anymore. But what could she do?

Loneliness was her only friend... and distance to everyone the only relation she was able of keeping stable... This was it. She needed to accept it... and a new feeling built up insider her;
Bitterness...

Boredom

Gnaaah, I feel bored... generally bored.

It's like everytime I have holidays. I'm really looking forward to the holidays and to being at home again... But when I arrive I realise there's nothing practical I can do...
Perhaps I could try to work on my final task in typography but I'm not motivated enough to do that. I wonder when I'll be :P

Don't know why, but I feel kind of useless here...
There's nothing I can do to "improve the world"... *grin* Though nothing I've done before made the world a better place I guess.
Wanna be in Berlin again... there's so many things I miss and I don't want to
Damn...

Somebody give me a task or at least something to do ^^"

Corners

They say people whose mouth corners point down are sad people...

I kept looking into the mirror today, staring blankly. And the corners of my mouth point down... so down. And the longer I kept staring, the lower they sank.
Am I a sad person?
Actually I never thought about that... I always thought I looked pretty normal and had nothing too bad happening in my past. At least until February of last year...

My grandfather who lives next door had a heartattack and dropped dead at once. Luckily I had just taken my first aid course and had an adrenalin flash. So I ran upstairs, heaved him from the bed onto the ground (with the help of my father and grandma of course) and began to reanimate him. The only sign of live we got from him was a soft grip around my arm... and then he faded again... Fortunately the ambulance arrived just then and managed to get him more or less stable. (Seven times shocked...) Afterwards he lay in a state of artificial coma for about a month and had to go to rehabilitation for about a year...
The doctors said that he wouldn't have made it without our help, which made me very proud of myself. On the other hand it was the most disturbing night I've ever had. And I'd do everything to prevent this from happening again. It was horrible and I can't help myself but cry everytime I remember it, which is quite often these days. But he's back... feels strange to have him around again... and his character changed a lot I think... But the rest of my family doesn't seem to notice it yet...
After he began to go to reha my gandma fell into a deeeeeep deep hole of sadness and kind of lost herself... when she was okay again, my mother broke down and had all the symptoms of a heart attack. Fortunately this had no organic reasons... But she got ill too and had to be in hospital until 2 weeks ago... And about a month ago my grand-granddad died... of a heart attack... >_<

Last year was just horrible... until now, this years has been, too. I wonder if the corners of my mouth sank due to this never ending sadness I encountered and all the difficulties I had...
How fast can the features of your face change?

Am I a sad person? Do I seldomly smile? ... Am I not happy and outgoing and... you know where I'm aiming at...
I don't know. Another mystery I guess

Perfectionism

Are perfectionism and ambition bad things when lived at the same time?
I'm not sure at the moment.

I all relates to the new sport I do, Kenjutsu. I started way after everyone else, but I'm always motivated to do my best. It's like a drug to me, I just can't get enough. I keep practising all the time and keep going and going. Some people even called me insane for doing that. oO

I'm normally not a sporty person. I didn't even do any sports until now. But Kenjutsu is just perfect for me. It's about techniques and a little competition at times. It's about live or death actually... And it challenges me. Moreover I like handling a sword... or a bokken at the moment.
When I had no training I kept practicing by myself or with someone I met there.
And I feel like I'm some kind of lunatic. I'm going crazy without practising and it frightens me. I know I'm being too ambitious but I can't help it...

And without sounding arrogant (at least I hope so, cause I really don't want to) right now I'm better than some people who have been doing Kenjutsu for a long time.
My aim is to get my hakama (the traditional robe) earlier than usual, which won't be possible I guess. So I just want to be the best. This is my ideal, the thing I strive for, my motivation...

Yet I feel bad about it. Can it be a bad thing to be that ambitious? Does it make me another person? Does it make me sound arrogant at times? Am I a lunatic? I don't know at the moment.
I just want to continue... and I want to be good, really good at it.

That's what I want and I kind of hate it. Feels like I'm being the arrogant bitch everyone will hate someday. The one that everyone dislikes because she's just too focused on fast learning and keeps missing the details and can't stop showing others that she's better than them to some degree. I'm afraid...

Someone, please help me clear my mind... please .. .. ...
I wish it was snowing... *sigh*

The Greatest

The greatest gift of our time is to have someone you still want to listen to.
There are so many stupid people around us, making it harder and harder for us to connect to anyone of them. At least that's what I experienced.

I'm generally not a people-hater, but now that I officially live in Berlin, I tend to dislike people around me more and more.
It's not like I don't want to connect, but I just can't go down to all of the peoples levels. That's just not me. I want people around me, who I love to listen to, who have great topics and important issues to talk about, because I'm usually not the one that talks the whole time. Most of the time I kind of am "the audience", which is good both for the one who's speaking and me, because I like to listen. But sometimes it's hard just listening to someone. And the tendency of it is still rising. (Maybe that's just the after effect of yesterdays desaster, dunno)

And I'm very glad I found some people worth listening to. People who don't waste their whole time talking shit but adressing important, philosophic, society based issues. Issues I like to learn about, issues I'm not familiar talking about exept in my own head.
It's kind of a good feeling to know that some people care about the same things your head revolves around. :3 And I'm honestly looking forward to all the conversations we'll hopefully have in the future. Let's keep talking you guys!! *cheer*

So today was... ... interesting xD

Torn

Here we go again...

Yet another shitty day over.
Today was very unnerving... First I had to take an exam in probably the most strange class I've ever taken. But it went pretty well I have to admit.
Afterwards we had to present our final tasks in art by creating a performance.

And gosh, everyone was so stupid oO
Why would you buy tons of alcohol knowing you can't drink it without going insane? Though I guess I was one of the only ones who didn't like the "wet" atmosphere. Some people are so pissing me off lately, I wished I could tear them to pieces and burn these to the ashes. Oo I know this sounds a little... er... violent, but I just hate people who are all about attention and keep pushing themselves into the centre of attention. Why can't you just hold back for a minute and be quiet to honor everyone elses work!? Why would you walk and jump all over the place all the time shouting, whispering so loud you could hear it to the other end of the room and keep fooling around awkwardly!? Damn I just can't have this...
Moreover most of the performances were frankly speaking shit.
Very good idea to present your pictures in the dark and lightening them with a flashlight from time to time... Or presenting your work in front of a Duschvorhang. Hate, hate hate.

Another fact that pissed me off was that I asked Mr. G if what I did was what he wanted in the beginning of the project and he just told me that he wasn't so sure but that I should keep on going like this. Which I did, knowing he would tell me that my work was crap in the end. Talked to some students about it and everyone kept telling me that I was overrating it and exaggerating it. But you know, I was right... and I knew it!
When I finished he told me that my work wasn't good, but that he especially liked my performance (which actually was harsh criticism) and gave me the better note...
How stupid is that!? Why can't he just tell me I was going the wrong path when I was still beginning and planning!? He also did this for the others... -_-
Ok, had to get rid of this... sorry.

Well L, I think it was a good decosion to just not be there at all. You didn't miss anything.
And I especially liked the way you presented your work... Nice.


On the other hand however I had a poetry flash today, due to the fact that I was fascinated by the snow falling... I love snow. Should be snowing all year *-*
So here's my minimalistic little (kind of) poem.



"Leise"

Hörtst du, wie der Schnee fällt?
Leise ... leise
... so leise.
Und sanft wie eine Berührung des Windes
wird er schließlich eins mit dir.
Reinigt deine Seele,
leert deinen Kopf.
Und du spürst, wie all die Hitze in dir,
all der Zorn geheilt wird.
Ich könnte hier ewig verweilen
und dir zusehen... leise, ganz leise.
Du bist unaufdringlich..., wunderschön.
Ich möchte das er nie verfliegt,
dieser wunderschöne Augenblick.
Wir teilen ihn, nur du und ich.
Und beim nächsten Wimpernschlag,
bist du schon wieder verschwunden...
Eins mit mir.

Und ich bin geheilt...
leise, ganz leise....


Thanks fot the attention...
I think I just fell in love again... with snow.
Feels so much better after a bath in the soft snowflakes.

Burning the Ashes

Another day over... *phew*

These days an hour passes like a whole week. Sickens me not to be able to do anything useful.
Can't go on with my semester projects, for my musician is busy, teachers don't seem to be able to fill out a 10-questions questionnaire, my photos suck lately... and so on.
Damn.
What the heck is wrong with me? The only thing that makes me feel good is doing sport... feels good to just let go and drift into another reality. A reality without university, stress, lost usb-sticks your processing semester project happens to be on, losing track of what you still have got to do.... blah blah.
Moreover people are much more relaxed there... feels good to be amongst them.

Today, one of my lecturers introduced us to the darkroom techniques. And exept of the fact that I don't quite catched everything he said about all the chemicals and processes you've got to do it was very interesting. And for the first time it seemed like he was really into what he was telling us and had muuuch time on hand. (Just seemed to be that way of course) Well I had fun :D
He's still one of my favourite teachers, though.
Maybe due to the fact that he always has some time for me if I'm having any problems. ^^
Feels good to get some positive feedback at least on SOMETHING...

Yesterday I realised that I have lost my USB- Stick last friday and was near breakdown. I had a lot of my semester projects in there. Fortunately there still are some honest people in this world and somebody gave it to the front-counter lady. ^^" Gheez...

And now... I don't know what to do
Sadness overwhelms me once again and leaves me drowning in the circles of my own mind...

PS: shitty "feeling" phrase oO
Should try to avoid this one next time. Sounds like I have a very limited vocabulary -_-