Changes

People always talk about changing and making this world a better place. But who DOES take the first step? Who changes first? Why do we sit around and keep talking and talking and talking instead of doing something productive?
We complain about people being stressed out and unfriendly, but do we face them with a smile? No, we don't for our environment "suggests" not to be happy. Just look around you whenever you're sitting in the S-Bahn. You'll only see sad, angry or mean looking faces. It makes you sad, or even angry yourself and you'd like to tell all of them that life is about living it to the fullest and that all of their worries are just nonsense compared to their whole existance. That they sould celebrate life and cherish the littlest things whatever they may be. Unless you're happy, what are you living for? What's your drive if not happiness and satisfaction? I'm sure we don't live to be sad and be smart about it. Existance celebrates, so join the party.
There's so much little things to adore, love, cherish and laugh about. Isn't it beautiful how rain hits the floor and creates certain patterns? Isn't it amazing how buds evolve into flowers, how people can show their emotions? How some people keep singing the lyrics of their favourite songs to themselves and drift into their own little world without noticing everyone aroudn them? Isn't it lovely how human beings are able to dream? ...

We should start to live our dreams and finally get active. People need to be made aware of all this. They should understand... they should find the conclusions, eventually.

PS: Did you ever see a melancholic sea? Or a crazy mountain? Or a happy wood? ... Try to notice those things... (Gosh, Chakra is interesting)

Plans, plans, big plans

Gosh, there are so many things to do... I'm going crazy.

There are a lot of projects that need my attention simultaneously and I don't quite know where to start. Is it better to do steps little by little on one project at a time? Or to organize even more?
Gah why am I so bad in organizing? ;____; Why the hell?

At the moment I'm trying to find a company for my internship in Japan... difficult, I have to admit. Moreover I'm trying to find a little job in Berlin (conversation's on tomorrow), trying to improve my photography skills, training hard to become a swordsmaster and even more. I'm very confused at the moment, can't focus, can't organize, can't decide. I'll lose my head within this next week. @_@
Moreover nothing really good's happening these days.. I need some positive experiences to push my confidence and happiness. It's about time, really.
So I'll keep waiting until something good happens and then tell you about it... if it matters. Otherwise I'll go on bothering you with nonsense posts. Don't even know why I published this...
But now it's your turn to accept it and deal with it... *harhar*

Keep going you guys >.>

I wonder

First of all, three things that made today a good day:
* I was allowed to leave uni earlier
* I've got 4 free days ahead
* I actually laughed today

This day is one of my quite moody ones.
And especially in the evening I kept thinking a lot about... stuff.
If you were asked what your happiest moment ever was, what would you answer? Could you even answer right away!? - I can't. And that's what I was thinking about. Of course there are some very nice moments I had, but I can't define one of them as the most happy one. And even now I can't remember... Am I too negative in general? Maybe even pessimistic? Moat people say something like finding love, marriage, having a baby or other stuff, but I think this is not clear enough...
I generally like to stand between the lines... wander beyond light and shadow and here and there touch a spot on either side. It's nice not to be stereotyped as a whole because there are some uncertainties on certain subjects.

Another thing I was wondering about today was if I - or anyone I know- was replacable. If it was that easy to be without certain people... to get used to them not being there. As far as I'm the object of interest I'm not quite sure, but at least for other people I can say that I don't think some of them are replacable. Some people have a special.. let's call it aura to them that makes them unmistakable. And everytime they are not around something's missing, at least for me.
Someone said it's necessary to gather people around you that are good for you- special people I'm glad to be with. And for they are only a few, I keep missing them big time, even if it's just for a day that I can't be around them. Mh.. actually this sounds a bit abusive to me. I need go gather them around me to feel good. I'm inhaling their presence and keep using it for my own benefit... at least kind of. Gnah I'm unable to express myself again. Guess there's just too many things going on in my mind. I'm unable to grasp all of them correctly for they're floating together chaotically.

And I don't like it. I remember once having a conversation on how ones mind looks. While it's a big grey city stored with thoughts to someone, to me it's (like to many other people I guess) a floating and everchanging chaos that can't be controlled. There's no system which I'm able to see and I'm thankful for every thought I can formulate clearly. And there's not too many of them unfortunately. That's probably why almost all my posts are quite chaotic and why I can't seem to stick to just one topic though I wish I could... *gnah*

I guess that's it for now. Have a nice long weekend, you guys.


//PS: I think I sould write a lot more entrys anytime I'm not confused or sad. This whole blog seems so negative and strange... damn oO

Crap

Current states of mind:

angry - sad - alone - crappy - homesick - wanderlust - useless - overwhelmed
(simultaneously)

It sucks...
This whole week sucks,
Life sucks lately...

--- and I'm a sucker

Special moments

We can change the world.
This might sound a little like proclaiming wolrd peace, but I dont mean it in a global way but in details. For I'm a person who likes to get deeper and deeper into things and examine them from the core.
From time to time I get ridiculously fascinated by nature. Doesn't have to be nature as a whole, but like those little particles (of whatever) floating around us that we don't even notice.
Sometimes, when you're sitting in a dark room and rays of light are shining in, you can see thousands of glistening particles floating in midair, or in matter, so to say. I can keep staring at them for hours without getting bored. And it's amazing to me how you can influence the floating matter within a room and practically everywhere. Sounds a little abstract, I'm aware of that, but I think you'll be able to understand. Everything around us consists of matter, even us. And all the air around us equals floating matter. We can't feel it floating, unless there's wind. But with every move we make, we disturb the rhythm of this matter. We can influence the way it floats... Ain't that amazing? xD
I love to fool around with that little particles and to change their direction, or try to catch them. Gosh this has to sound so strange oO But hey, that's me, sorry.

Another thing I love is the seeds of flowers swirling through the air, which is actually the same as these particles. But you can touch and catch them. :3

Don't know why but I just love quiet and simple (but stunning) moments like this...

Random

Sorry to bother you with another random entry.
I guess I don't have anything important in my mind for now. Which actually feels kind of nice.
Sometimes it feels like your head was about to explode. To let go of all the thoughts you want to hold on to simultaneously. And although it's important to think about the world it's hard sometimes... and makes you sad. But I'm glad to be aware of certain things.

I'm really into my music again. And rediscovered some great used-to-be-favourites.
Music has always been very important to me... it's like a soundtrack to my life and determines my mood. But I guess that's just normal. As Nietzsche said: "Without music, life would be a failure" :D
Great man... great, great man. *haha* Gotta read more of his books...
As you might know I'm into metal a lot. I don't know what it is about metal that fascinates me so much... Most of the people would define it as noise instead of music. :P But at least for my favourite bands I can say that the lyrics are just awesome. And very philosophic. I can only recommend In Flames. Great band, great sound, great everything ^___^

And as for the old songs, I rediscovered Nobodys Listening by Linkin Park. That track is just soo stylish, although I obviously can't explain why. Damn I've got a problem.
I can't seem to express myself lately... (ha I like the word "lately")


... some songs I can recommend:
Linkin Park - Nobodys listening
Miss Platinum & Peter Fox - Come marry me (haha the chorus is hilarious)
Apocalyptica - Fade to black
Breaking Benjamin - So cold (go listen to that song)
Linkin Park - Pushing me away (Hybrid Theory version)

Feeling great

Wow, today was... awesome.

Although we had that stupid scribble class again, which I really can't stand (why am I doing it?- because of the credits >.> and because I don't have anything hard to do there) the day ended up being pretty nice.
Attended some other classes today which I normally wouldn't do. But I had training today and had a lot time on hand and to waste. So why not?
I think I'll try to do those other classes, too. The atmosphere was kinda cool and I've got nothing better to do... oO Someone please give me something useful to do ;___;

Training was hard today... hadn't had it for quite a while and sucked... really sucked. I need more practise... badly. =_= At least my sunshine (Pab) was there again. Training does always have another atmosphere everytime he's there. I know I'm way too focused on certain people but I can't help it. Just need certain people around me to feel good and comfortable around others. Pab's one of those people I can't be without. And for the last month he was missing ;___;
Was amazing having him around again. He promised to attend training more often from now on. He had that plan of decreasing his skills by not training for a while and then improving skills with me again. (Kind of at the same level then) But he realised it would take way too long for him to lose his skills xD So that one didn't work out.
And due to the fact that he's that good, he thinks everyone might hate him, even his own children (who told him so... jokingly). So I was like "Hey, I like you, why don't you adopt me?" xD And there was only one thing that stopped him from agreeing, which was the fact that he doesn't have enough free space for me. *grin* "For a girl needs to have a biiig room with much space, as stated in the principles of samurai."

Gosh he made my day by saying that xD
I told you I'm way too focused on people an that it's easy to make my day *drop*
Sorry for this nonsense and everyday kind of stuff... just needed to tell somebody o.o

Today I felt again

I walked through the crisp night, when a breeze caught me and took me away...

I felt the juicy gras beneath my feet, the air between my fingers and smelled the smell of a thousand lives. I could smell buds evolving into the most beautiful flowers and smell the most breathtaking smells. I could even smell the wind racing through the fields and shaking them to twist the seeds. I smelled perfection: It was a wonderful moment. That sort you want to hold on to forever...
And then-

... I was in Berlin again. Captivated within the never ending walls of concrete, inhaling the dust of the streets, filling my lungs. I was at the bottom again,

and longed for my precious moment...

Fading

I don't know where this thought comes from or by what it was inspired, but today I realised something:
By the time we begin to think not only about our own life but about life as a whole and issues like society, purposes and human beings our life begins to crumble.
We die a little every day... piece by piece, thought by thought.

And today a bigger part of me got lost. The phrase "people equal shit" becomes more and more true to me. Don't know if it's because of Berlin and the mass of people you pass day by day. Just a feeling that grows inside me and is stirred up a lot lately. (I guess I've said that quite a few times before)
Where are the good people? And why wouldn't they cross my way to make my day? It's actually not that difficult to brighten up my day... it's simple things you need no special abilities for. But instead, I die.... and die another little bit. Of course it's just minimal, but strong enough for me to feel it. Which is a little weird...
There's this feeling of wasting my time again. Time's running out and I've got nothing productive to do... that's it so far about dieing. >_>

Nya anyway...
Can't wait for Sunday to come.. gonna celebrate a Cherry Blossom festival kind of thing (dressed up as a Geisha of course) *haha* Will be awesome... and probably really hot =_=

Filling gaps

Gnah I hate being uncreative.
I'd love to blog about something important or at least something that's important to me. But it seems I've lost all my creativity outdoors in the sun... that sucks. On the other hand, not blogging at all sucks, too. ¬_¬” Hopefully I'll come up with something usefull next time... perhaps in a few days or even weeks.
For now I'm enjoying the weather as much as everyone else does. Altough I'm usually not a wanna-be-all-in-the-sunshine person. I guess many things changed this year. Somehow frightening, isn't it? Why would a winter-lover suddenly like the summer!? I can't understand. I'm weird these days :D Just accept that.

And I'm looking for a flat somewhere in Tiergarten or Moabit. Does anyone need a companion in his/her flat? ^^"" Don't wanna live that far away from everybody anymore.

Well guys, look forward to the next (hoping it will be) usefull blog entry xD
Cheers